IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries, the number of obese children is increasing rapidly, and many people believe that the government is responsible for this alarming problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #children #people #government
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In many countries, the number of obese
children
Use synonyms
 is increasing rapidly, many people believe that the government is responsible for
this
Linking Words
 alarming problem. I find that
this
Linking Words
 is not an entirely accurate opinion.
Although
Linking Words
 the government is responsible for the problem of overweight
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
, the key is still parental supervision and proper education from
schools
Use synonyms
. Parents should pay a lot of attention to their
children
Use synonyms
. They need to soon build a healthy lifestyle for their
children
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as eating in moderation and preparing healthy, nutritious dishes. Limit restaurant meals and unhealthy snacks
such
Linking Words
 as candy, snacks or greasy fried foods.
Besides
Linking Words
, encourage
children
Use synonyms
 to actively move and participate in physical activities to help them form movement habits.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, parents need to actively monitor the average index between their child's weight and height, so that they can come up with appropriate and timely solutions when they realize that their child is at risk of obesity.
Schools
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 have a responsibility to care for students. Currently,
schools
Use synonyms
 provide at least one meal a day for students, so
this
Linking Words
 meal needs to be a healthy menu with lots of foods rich in protein and
fiber
Change the spelling
fibre
show examples
.
Second,
Linking Words
incorporating health-related issues into the curriculum helps
children
Use synonyms
 understand the harmful effects of obesity and what students should do to avoid being overweight.
Next,
Linking Words
create a dynamic environment to help
children
Use synonyms
 exercise more
such
Linking Words
 as building sports activity areas, football fields, badminton courts...
Finally
Linking Words
, the school can organize periodic health checks for
children
Use synonyms
. small to proactively monitor health status. In short, I completely disagree with the view that people blame the government for overweight and unhealthy lifestyles in
children
Use synonyms
 because parents and
schools
Use synonyms
 are the main factors that can help
children
Use synonyms
 prevent
this
Linking Words
 condition.
Submitted by huoglan10 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Ensure that your essay contains a clear introduction that outlines your position and a conclusion that summarizes it. Both of these components seemed underdeveloped.
Coherence and Cohesion
Structure your essay clearly, with distinct paragraphs for your introduction, each main point, and your conclusion. Use cohesive devices to make the progression of ideas clearer to the reader.
Task Achievement
Fully extend and support your main points, using specific examples where relevant, and explain the reasoning behind your opinions more comprehensively.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: