IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
Nowadays, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
 spend a great deal of
time
 on their
smartphones
 daily. There are some reasons for
this
 issue and it is expected to affect
youngesters
Correct your spelling
youngsters
in a harmful way.
This
 notion will be illustrated in
this
 essay by giving some explanations and examples. With the significant advancement of technology, digital gadgets are accessible
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 everyone easily.
Therefore
,
children
 who have been more in touch with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern technology recently, are likely to be more enthusiastic about spending too much
time
 on their
smartphones
. Because, in
this
way
Add a comma
way,
show examples
 they are able to connect to their peers effortlessly
besides
 playing a game.
As a result
, they will be entertained and find personal
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
 which
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
 spending more and more
time
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 virtual space.
For instance
, a child who owns a phone and is able to connect to the internet may share a video on
Youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
then
Correct word choice
and then
show examples
,
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
be
show examples
 amused and pleased by capturing attention which leads to spending lots of
time
 on
this
 social media. The effect of technology on
children
 who are passionate about computerization and digital gadgets is inevitable. In my perspective, the more
children
 spend
time
 on their
smartphones
, the more they would be in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
danger of mental and physical problems. Imagine a child who is surfing
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the web and playing computer games all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
day.In
this
condition
Add a comma
condition,
show examples
 he/she
face
Change the verb form
faces
show examples
 serious difficulties in playing an active role in society
due to
 the disability of communicating effectively.
Furthermore
, they are expected to have major health issues in the future as they do not allocate enough
time
 to physical activities.
To conclude
, As technological devices are reachable for individuals conveniently and owing to the variety of entertainment feathers for them,
children
 are eager to use their
smartphones
 constantly.
This
 issue is not only considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a positive development but
also
 can be devastating in terms of causing mental and physical problems.
Submitted by s.hemmati.p on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay should have a clear structure with distinct paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the ideas progress logically from one to the other. Additionally, transitions and cohesive devices should be used to better link ideas.
task achievement
The introduction should introduce the topic and provide a clear answer to the question, stating whether you believe the development is positive or negative. Each body paragraph should have a clear main topic that relates directly back to the question. Specific examples should be fully expanded to illustrate your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: