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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think it is very good idea to bring your family when travelling overseas for work or study reasons. Discuss the advantage and disadvantage and give your opinion

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When moving to a new country, an individual must consider family impact. Choosing to travel with family contains potential benefits and drawbacks.
This
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 essay argues that bringing family
includes
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together includes
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 more positives
such
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 as eliminating homesickness and providing opportunities, but some negatives exist
such
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 as expense and distraction.
Traveling
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Travelling
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 with children to work or study overseas opportunity holds some benefits. Family companionship can alleviate both homesickness and offer valuable education chances.
For example
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, an uncle moved to America, family in tow, and resided effortlessly
due to
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 their presence. Moving on to the point of education, very often undeveloped countries offer limited university studies;
however
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, in the United States, a
traveling
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travelling
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 foreign worker can provide his teenage daughter
hundreds
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with hundreds
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 of options. After considering the advantages, the drawbacks now merit some meaningful discussion. Not only is family presence expensive but
also
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 a potentially humongous distraction. Foreign workers often matriculate from vastly cheaper countries than the USA, so bringing along includes an expectation to pay 4 to 5 times to support them.
Besides
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, families cause distraction;
for example
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, misbehaving children or emotional wives could lead to a foreign employee performing substandard work. In general, family inclusion presents the best option. Yes, distractions and expenses will occur, but the educational benefits to children and the spouse outweigh those two negatives. The best recommendation is to bring them whenever possible. To do
otherwise
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 invites irreparable harm to the family and the individual worker.
To conclude
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, foreign
works
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workers
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 must weigh all available options, but considering the advice above,the proper choice becomes more evident.
This
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 essay acknowledges the presence of particular circumstances all workers embody.

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coherence cohesion
Your introduction provided a clear overview of the essay's direction, and you adequately summarized your points in the conclusion. However, you should work on more cleanly transitioning from one idea to the next, ensuring a smoother flow of ideas throughout the essay.
task achievement
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion are directly addressing the task. The introduction should clearly state the advantages and disadvantages, and the conclusion should provide a definitive stance based on the discussion.
task achievement
The main points of your discussion are supported, but they lack convincing examples. The example of the uncle is too vague. Implement more detailed and relevant examples to strengthen your arguments and fully develop your ideas.
task achievement
Your essay should discuss both sides of the argument in a balanced way. While you have attempted this, the disadvantages need more development to fully satisfy the task requirement.
task achievement
Be mindful of the clarity and complexity of your ideas. The ideas should be readily understood by the reader and should demonstrate a range of vocabulary and sentence structures.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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