IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In some parts of the world, people have become more focused on themselves than their communities. What problems can this situation cause and how can they be solved?

#parts #world #people #communities #situation
It is argued that
people
 have become selfish than actively giving support to their communities.
This
 essay will try to identify the factors contributing to
this
 and
also
 explain some
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
show examples
 that may emerge
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
this
. There are many effects
due to
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
becomes
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
 individualistic. Some significant
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 of
this
 issue are the lack of initiative in the society and no more financial support to the local movements. Volunteering is not easy, compared to
other kind
Change the wording
another kind
other kinds
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 of activities,
it
Correct word choice
as it
show examples
doesnt
Correct your spelling
doesn't
 gives
public
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the public
show examples
 the financial
feedbacks
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feedback
show examples
.
For example
, if
people
becomes
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become
show examples
 selfish
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they might not join
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
events
and
Correct word choice
which
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 it cause a
declined
Replace the word
decline
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 in
number
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a number
the number
show examples
 of
participations
Correct your spelling
participants
show examples
. No participants can be a problem as the community will not survive
due to
 a financial crisis and human resources issues. The government and the industry sectors could do various things to increase
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 commitment to their communities.
Firstly
, the government can issue laws to limit the labour working times so they can get
balance
Add an article
the balance
a balance
show examples
 between work and personal life including interactions with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
As a result
,
employee
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employees
show examples
 can have free time to
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
events
.
Secondly
, the companies can push their workers to take part in social
events
 and give benefits
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 whoever participating in it.
As a consequence
, employees
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
 having formal basis to
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
community
events
. In conclusion, the problems that will occur if
people
 become individualistic are the lack of initiative in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society and financial crisis. Possible solutions to
this
situations
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situation
show examples
 are a new policy from the government related to
worklife
Correct your spelling
work-life
work life
 balance and
push
Wrong verb form
pushing
show examples
 the employer sides to make social
events
 as
Add an article
a trigger
show examples
trigger
Fix the agreement mistake
triggers
show examples
 to increase their
employees
Change to a genitive case
employee's
employees'
show examples
 awareness.
Submitted by ryanrush16 on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the topic, but there is room for more depth and specificity in the main points and examples provided. To achieve a higher score, ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is expanded upon with specific, relevant examples. Strive for a deeper analysis of the problem and the solutions.
coherence cohesion
The essay loosely follows a logical structure but lacks clear transitions and connectors between ideas and paragraphs. To enhance coherence and cohesion, use a range of cohesive devices effectively and organize ideas more logically. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence, and subsequent sentences should develop the main idea coherently.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Social isolation
  • Mental health issues
  • Community participation
  • Social cohesion
  • Civic pride
  • Volunteerism
  • Charitable contributions
  • Collective responsibility
  • Cultural heritage
  • Educational campaigns
  • Collective action
  • Tax deductions
  • Recognition programs
  • Mentorship
  • Community leadership
  • Intergenerational interactions
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