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Band 5.5

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factor in promoting happiness.Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute toward happiness?

#people #money #factor #happiness #factors
It is believed that being rich plays a vital role in happiness.
This
 feeling can
also
 stem from some other factors.
However
,I completely agree with the former argument. On the one hand ,money is the keystone of happiness feeling.
That is
,having enough money, people can benefit from a higher standard of living.Take utilising more recreational facilities, which can lift individuals's spirits,as an example.In doing so,people can retreat from the overload of the modern lifestyle and have better mental strength,which can generally have a positive effect on their life and their productivity at work.
On the other hand
,some other elements can help the masses feel happy.
Such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 being healthy, having a good relationship,and having children.
For example
, when some people find themselves healthy,they feel they are wealthy so they are happy,and they might be of the opinion that there is no point in the other aspects of life like wealth.To put it differently,the more they enjoy physical and mental well-being,the happier they are and may ignore other meanings of
this
 feeling ,
consequently
 they place a high value on their fitness. In conclusion,
although
 money is not the only factor that can contribute to feeling happy, I strongly believe that financial security can influence all aspects of our lives and add many benefits to everyone's lives
for instance
,enjoying more of our lives.
Submitted by zahra.hmt88 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure logical progression in your essay by using cohesive devices effectively. Use paragraphing to separate your points clearly and make your argument easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
In your introduction and conclusion, present a clear thesis statement and summarize your main points. Make sure that these elements are linked well with the body of the essay, maintaining a consistent thread throughout the text.
task achievement
Back up your main points with concrete examples. While you have provided some examples, strive to use more specific and detailed instances that directly support your argument
task achievement
Address all parts of the task clearly, providing a balanced view if required and ensuring your response is complete. While you've met the general requirements, further depth and development in your arguments could enhance your score.
task achievement
Work on developing clear and comprehensive ideas by deepening your analysis and explanation. Expand on your ideas with more substance to fully convince the reader of your viewpoint.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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