IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Money manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugars which causes many health problems sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar.Do you agree or disagree?

#money #food #drink #products #level #sugars #health #people #sugar
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In modern times, there are lots of available food and drink
products
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 which have
a high levels
Correct the article-noun agreement
a high level
high levels
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 of sugar.
However
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, the high amounts of sweets from
this
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 beverage may cause health risks. Other
people
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 suggest that it must be priced more expensive to make it less attractive to other
people
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. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss why I strongly agree that selling sweetened drinks is more expensive.
Firstly
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, consumer
behaviour
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 is highly influenced based on what's available in the market. If unhealthy goods were priced more expensive compared to healthy options,
then
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 there would be a shift in
behaviour
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.
As a result
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, shoppers will consume
products
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 which are affordable and healthy.
Consequently
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,
this
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behaviour
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 will lead
people
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 to eat vegetables, fruits and water.
Furthermore
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, healthy selection will lead
people
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 to maintain a normal body mass index (BMI).
Secondly
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, because of pricing changes, huge industries will create alternatives which
is
Change the verb form
are
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 healthier.
For instance
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,
instead
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 of creating other soda
products
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, they will be motivated to distribute water, coconut drinks and other natural drink options.
As a result
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, consumers who are thirsty will opt to select water which
are
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is
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 available on the shelves rather than sweetened beverages.
Additionally
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, the healthy option will deter
people
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 from being less obese or acquiring type 2 Diabetes Mellitus which developed from consistently extreme sugar levels in the system. In conclusion, making sweetened
products
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 expensive would likely shift the customer's
behaviour
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 not to consume unhealthy options.
Additionally
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 consuming less of these
products
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 can help to maintain a normal BMI and less likely to have diseases which can develop from high sugar levels.
Submitted by emmagallares on

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task achievement
To achieve a higher band score, consider expanding your ideas further and offering more specific examples. For instance, you could provide statistics on the effects of increased sugar taxes in specific countries or discuss initiatives that have successfully reduced sugar consumption. This would enhance your Task Achievement score.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs and ideas to improve Coherence and Cohesion. For example, use transition words and phrases consistently to connect ideas better, which would enhance the flow of the essay.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear stance on the topic and keeps the argument focused, which is a strength in Task Achievement.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly defined, which provides a good structure to the essay and is beneficial for Coherence and Cohesion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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