IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.

#children #hours #smartphones
It has been widely claimed that smartphones become tools that some young people spend their time for hours every day.
This
 essay will
firstly
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first
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 explain the reason
of
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for
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 the case before elaborating
that
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on
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 why I consider the habitat to be a negative circumstance. To
being
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begin
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 with, it might seem reasonable for some to believe
with
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apply
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the claim.
This
 is properly because they believe that nowadays
smartphone
 is involved with basic activities of
children
 for routine life
such
 as communication or studying.
For example
,
children
 are able to easily research knowledge from
internet
Add an article
the internet
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 by using
smartphone
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a smartphone
show examples
. From
this
 perspective, it is understandable why some would have the idea that hours
of
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apply
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them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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are spent
for
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apply
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using the
smartphone
.
However
, I personally believe that the circumstance leads to negative development because it could reduce
concentration
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the concentration
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 of
children
 for their education in physical classes in school.
For instance
, using
smartphone
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a smartphone
show examples
 to
searching
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search for
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 information could be
convenient
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a convenient
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 and easy method because it is fast to assess the data, but it
is able
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can
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 to cause
children
 lack
of
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apply
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endurable skills in no available internet situation in case
that
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apply
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they only spend too long duration of time on
smartphone
.
As a consequence
, it would
be
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have
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 a negative effect
to
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on
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 their learning development in school as well. In conclusion, it is undeniable
to consider
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apply
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that
smartphone
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smartphones
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is
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apply
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a useful
tool
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tools
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 for
children
, but
the
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apply
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uncontrol
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uncontrolled
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using
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use
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 the technology could cause a negative side because it could be an obstacle to
develop
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developing
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 some skills of
children
such
 as concentration or emotional control.
Submitted by kanittha.sma on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear logical sequence in some places, which disrupts the flow of your arguments. Make sure each paragraph naturally follows from the one before, with clear transitions and topic sentences that guide the reader through your line of reasoning.
coherence cohesion
While you have included both an introduction and conclusion, they could be better developed to clearly present your thesis and summarise your key points at the end. Your introduction should more directly address the topic and your stance on it, and your conclusion should reinforce what has been discussed without introducing new ideas.
coherence cohesion
You have made an effort to support your main points, but your arguments lack depth and specificity. Try to provide more detailed examples and elaborate on your reasoning to strengthen your position. This will help your essay to be more convincing and show a thorough understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You have responded to the essay topic, but your response is somewhat incomplete. Ensure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the task, shows a clear position throughout, and avoids straying off-topic. Consider each aspect of the prompt carefully and provide a balanced discussion if required.
task achievement
Your ideas are somewhat clear but lack comprehensiveness. Work on expanding your ideas with well-thought-out explanations and analyses. Avoid making general statements without backing them up with clear reasoning or evidence.
task achievement
Your essay lacks specific, relevant examples that can illustrate your arguments effectively. Incorporate real-life examples, studies, or statistics that are directly relevant to your point of view to add credibility to your arguments and make them more compelling.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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