IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Humans are basically selfish. Write an essay about 300 words to state that whether you agree or disagree. Provide examples and illustrations to support your viewpoint.

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Being selfless is an important virtue of humankind, but the question remains : Do
such
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 values still exist in today’s world ? Clearly,
this
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 topic is a matter of controversy and warrants our attention. I completely agree that
people
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 give more
emphasize
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emphasis
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 to their interests.
This
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 essay discusses the reasons and elaborates why
people
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 are becoming more selfish The main rationale behind why an idea of individualism is prevalent across many societies
based
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is based
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 on the fact that schools are teaching less about social values.
Due to
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 increased competitiveness and explosive population growth, there is an imbalance between the available workforce and the availability of jobs.
This
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 has resulted in the educational system
to focus
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focusing
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 more on preparing students for employment rather than teaching social skills, which is inconducive to cultivating collaboration, empathy and a sense of community among the
people
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.
For example
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, in my city, many schools have replaced the extracurricular periods at schools with main subjects in order to facilitate preparations for competitive exams,
such
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 as entrance tests for engineering and medical science. A
fast paced
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fast-paced
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 and stressful life is another factor why
people
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 think only about themselves. Given the fact that the cost of living has grown massively over the past few decades, individuals are exerting more effort at work,
such
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 as working overtime at workplaces, pursuing multiple jobs, and so on.
Consequently
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,
this
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 leaves them with
an
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apply
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inadequate time to forge deeper and meaningful relationships with their loved ones. As well
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apply
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this
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,
the
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apply
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arguments and conflicts occur more often among family members and friends
due to
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 their irritability caused by work stress.
This
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, in turn, prompts a person to think more about their self-interests and mental health than to contribute towards
the
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apply
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society. In conclusion, I support the idea that contemporary men and women
place
Verb problem
should
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 think more of themselves.
This
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 is because our primary and secondary educational system prioritizes employability over teaching moral and ethical values, and
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also
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apply
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people
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 are less relaxed and more busy, encouraging them to focus on their mental well-being.

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coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, but the body paragraphs need further development to improve logical structure. Consider using clear topic sentences and subsequent supporting sentences that directly relate back to these topics.
task achievement
The topic is addressed and the response is complete, but the response would benefit from a clearer argument structure and more precise examples. Strive to ensure each paragraph encapsulates a single main idea with adequate development.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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