IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that thia would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Nowadays, the stressful lifestyle of human beings causes negative impacts on their social life and
health
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. Arguments exist about whether
sports
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facilities
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 are the best source for maintaining public
health
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.
In contrast
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, other people believe that it is not appropriate to solely concentrate on
sports
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facilities
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for improving
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to improve
show examples
 public
health
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. From my standpoint, I agree with the latter viewpoint and am explaining both aspects in
further
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 paragraphs. First of all, every individual in
this
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 society is not capable of affording the expenses of
such
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 kinds of
facilities
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 because they
also
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 have to pay for joining a gym, personal trainers to explain, and dieticians to prepare a program based on the requirements.
Moreover
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, it can be easily achieved without spending
such
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 a huge amount of money. It is recommended that people should choose homemade food which contains organic green vegetables, grains and fruits rather than eating fast food that has a high concentration of fats and preservatives. They can do other outdoor activities
such
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 as yoga, jogging and running to stay fit.
On the other hand
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, an organized
sports
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 facility can provide opportunities to develop social interaction, teamwork and discipline, which is very helpful in improving mental
health
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.
Furthermore
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, everyone wants a muscular body these days,
that is
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 why, the gym is the best way to achieve
this
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 goal of fitness.
This
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 will help them reduce obesity and the chance of other
health
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-related issues
while
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 improving the physical appearance of individuals. In conclusion,
although
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 increasing the number of
sports
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facilities
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 can lead to maintaining physical fitness, I don't think it's affordable enough to make a significant impact on the community. There are so many other effective and efficient ways to do it.

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task achievement
The essay provides a good attempt at presenting both views and a clear opinion; however, it needs to develop ideas further to achieve a higher task response score. Ensure that both sides of the argument are explored in equal depth, and expand on each point with more detailed examples and explanations.
coherence cohesion
The essay has an acceptable structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. It makes adequate use of linking devices, but the argument could be more logically structured. Work on making the progression of ideas smoother and using a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance the logical flow of the essay.
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