IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some countries achieve international sports by building specialised facilities to train top athletes, instead of providing sports facilities that everyone can use. Do you think this is positive or negative development?

#countries #sports #facilities #train #athletes #development
The investment in training professional athletes
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 worshipped by some
people
 for a country to outshine others in international
sports
,
in addition
 to building facilities for general
people
 to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise. In my perspective, whilst providing environments for individuals to practice
sports
 could enhance public health, there are more advantages derived from cultivating professional
sports
 players. On the one hand, residents could benefit from public
sports
 facilities,
such
 as tennis
playground
Fix the agreement mistake
playgrounds
show examples
 or swimming pools, to keep regular
exercises
Change the noun form
exercise
show examples
 habits and maintain healthy
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
, physically and mentally. Some
people
 believe it is the obligation of governments to provoke the
dercremental
Correct your spelling
decremental
 of
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 who have diseases associated with the lack of exercise, including obesity, diabetes, and other cardiovascular diseases.
For instance
, swimming is considered as a good cardio
exercies
Correct your spelling
exercise
exercises
, in Singapore, there are many national
sports
center
Fix the agreement mistake
centers
show examples
 equipped with swimming pools
cost
Correct pronoun usage
that cost
show examples
 only a small amount of money, it is to encourage local individuals to have regular exercise habits.
On the other hand
, I tend to agree with the proponents who suggest that it is a positive development for governments
spend
Fix the infinitive
to spend
show examples
 money on cultivating professional
sports
 players to achieve in global
sports
 events. First of all, it could enhance the visibility of a nation in the world,
such
 as
Correct article usage
the Olympic
show examples
Olympic
Fix the agreement mistake
Olympics
show examples
 and FIFA, attracting more overseas tourists, which could contribute to
local
Correct article usage
the local
show examples
economic
Replace the word
economy
show examples
.
Secondly
, individuals are able to receive sufficient financial aid and resources to concentrate on the acquisition of capacities in professional
sports
 fields without
worry
Wrong verb form
worrying
show examples
 about the costs of training. Take
gymnistic
Correct your spelling
gymnastics
gymnastic
 as an example, it takes a long time and
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 environment to train
a top athletes
Correct the article-noun agreement
top athletes
a top athlete
show examples
,
without
Correct word choice
and without
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
help from authorities, many young
people
 would have to give up their dream. To summarise,
instead
 of providing
sports
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 for normal
people
 to maintain health
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
, I am in favour of the ideals that governments should pay more attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 training top athletes who have outstanding performance in international games.
Submitted by unapoya0916 on

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coherence cohesion
Consider improving the logical structure of your essay by ensuring that your paragraphs are well-organized and each one clearly focuses on a single main idea. Transitions between paragraphs and ideas should be smooth and contribute to the overall flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Be sure to include an introduction and conclusion in your essay that clearly define the content and summarize the main points. While these were present, they could be more effectively articulated to provide a stronger framework for your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your main points should be consistently supported with detailed examples and explanations throughout the essay. While you have made some attempt to support your points, the support could be further developed and more closely related to the main ideas.
task achievement
To fully meet the task requirements, ensure that you are responding to all parts of the question comprehensively. Aim to develop clear, comprehensive ideas that align closely with the topic, and make sure the response completes the task set forth.
task achievement
You should work on generating clear and detailed ideas throughout the essay. The content sometimes lacks depth and specificity, which could enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your arguments.
task achievement
Include relevant and specific examples to strengthen your arguments. While some examples were used, employing a wider range of specific, detailed examples would demonstrate a fuller understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • specialised facilities
  • train top athletes
  • international sports
  • boost
  • reputation
  • attract
  • sporting events
  • access
  • general public
  • inequality
  • opportunities
  • overemphasis
  • elite sports
  • neglect
  • grassroots development
What to do next:
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