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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.

#children #hours #smartphones
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Nowadays, youngsters tend to spend most of their time on
smartphones
.
This
 might be the problem
the
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that
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 many parents are concerned
of
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about
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, and it has caused an argument
of
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about
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 whether it is beneficial for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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adolescents, or
it
Correct word choice
whether it
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 has an abominable impact on them. In my perspective, the world has developed, and there are numerous advantages of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
smartphones
. Especially, in terms of education, it is very noticeable.
In addition
, it can assist the children to enhance their creativity using a fascinating method. There are reasons to substantiate the claim.
To begin
 with, phones have been developed to contain various
of
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apply
show examples
uses.
Nonetheless
, talking about the benefits of phones in education, the most obvious
pros
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pro
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 is searching for educational
informations
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information
pieces of information
show examples
. Youngsters can
just
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apply
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simply search
whatever
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for whatever
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that
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apply
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is relevant to the topic they are studying, and it will appear what they have a desire to know about.
Moreover
, it even shows
further
informations
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information
pieces of information
show examples
, allowing the students to learn if they wish to.
This
 will definitely enhance their knowledge, which have a really good effect on their later life.
Additionally
, it does not just have benefits
on
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for
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 the children’s education, it improves their creativity and problem-solving skills
via
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in
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 a very interesting way, which is
games
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through games
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. There are a legion of games that assist
adolescent
Fix the agreement mistake
adolescents
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 in improving their life skills even though it does not seem like that for adults.
For instance
,
DOTA2
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in DOTA2
show examples
, in
this
 game, the players have to think about the strategies, which will allow them to destroy the other team’s base in order to win the game. Young individuals will acquire various life skills, not merely problem-solving. In conclusion,
smartphones
 are established to cope
many
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with many
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 problems, and
it
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they
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also
helps
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help
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 in
development
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the development
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 of children.
Smartphones
 give numerous
of
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apply
show examples
advantages;
however
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
parents need to curb the excess time of using phones.
Otherwise
, it will spur inconceivable issues which
is
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are
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 arduous to fix.
Submitted by dondollaraus on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea, supported by relevant examples and explanations. While the essay has attempted to do this, the support could have been more developed and specific.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices to help link ideas and paragraphs, being careful to ensure that they are used accurately and effectively. In this essay, the usage is somewhat satisfactory, but there can be improvements in linking ideas more smoothly.
task achievement
For full task achievement, it's important to fully address all parts of the task. The essay should also present a balanced view with appropriate examples. In this case, the response could have benefited from considering the potential drawbacks of smartphone use as well, to create a more rounded argument.
task achievement
Make sure the ideas are expressed clearly and that they develop logically throughout the essay. Aim to add more depth to each point made for a comprehensive understanding of the topic. The ideas in this essay are relatively clear but lack comprehensive development.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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