IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, youngsters tend to spend most of their time on
smartphones
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 might be the problem
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
 many parents are concerned
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
, and it has caused an argument
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
 whether it is beneficial for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adolescents, or
it
Correct word choice
whether it
show examples
 has an abominable impact on them. In my perspective, the world has developed, and there are numerous advantages of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
smartphones
Use synonyms
. Especially, in terms of education, it is very noticeable.
In addition
Linking Words
, it can assist the children to enhance their creativity using a fascinating method. There are reasons to substantiate the claim.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, phones have been developed to contain various
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
uses.
Nonetheless
Linking Words
, talking about the benefits of phones in education, the most obvious
pros
Fix the agreement mistake
pro
show examples
 is searching for educational
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
. Youngsters can
just
Rephrase
apply
show examples
simply search
whatever
Change preposition
for whatever
show examples
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is relevant to the topic they are studying, and it will appear what they have a desire to know about.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it even shows
further
Linking Words
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
, allowing the students to learn if they wish to.
This
Linking Words
 will definitely enhance their knowledge, which have a really good effect on their later life.
Additionally
Linking Words
, it does not just have benefits
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the children’s education, it improves their creativity and problem-solving skills
via
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a very interesting way, which is
games
Change preposition
through games
show examples
. There are a legion of games that assist
adolescent
Fix the agreement mistake
adolescents
show examples
 in improving their life skills even though it does not seem like that for adults.
For instance
Linking Words
,
DOTA2
Change preposition
in DOTA2
show examples
, in
this
Linking Words
 game, the players have to think about the strategies, which will allow them to destroy the other team’s base in order to win the game. Young individuals will acquire various life skills, not merely problem-solving. In conclusion,
smartphones
Use synonyms
 are established to cope
many
Change preposition
with many
show examples
 problems, and
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
also
Linking Words
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 in
development
Add an article
the development
show examples
 of children.
Smartphones
Use synonyms
 give numerous
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
advantages;
however
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
parents need to curb the excess time of using phones.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, it will spur inconceivable issues which
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 arduous to fix.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea, supported by relevant examples and explanations. While the essay has attempted to do this, the support could have been more developed and specific.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices to help link ideas and paragraphs, being careful to ensure that they are used accurately and effectively. In this essay, the usage is somewhat satisfactory, but there can be improvements in linking ideas more smoothly.
task achievement
For full task achievement, it's important to fully address all parts of the task. The essay should also present a balanced view with appropriate examples. In this case, the response could have benefited from considering the potential drawbacks of smartphone use as well, to create a more rounded argument.
task achievement
Make sure the ideas are expressed clearly and that they develop logically throughout the essay. Aim to add more depth to each point made for a comprehensive understanding of the topic. The ideas in this essay are relatively clear but lack comprehensive development.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: