IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 8

Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #children #phones #school
Some people argue that using mobile
phones
 during class should be allowed because they browse additional learning materials.
Nevertheless
,
this
 essay agrees with others who think that they should prohibit the use of gadgets because they will interfere with their concentration. On the one hand, using cell
phones
 in the classroom will allow pupils to enrich their study materials from the internet.
This
 is because as they receive lectures from the teacher, they can concurrently browse extra explanations about the topic. Some matters may need
further
 explanation and children need illustrations and extra material to understand the subject.
For example
, when the teacher explains photosynthesis,
this
 process has very detailed steps and each step will be easily understood by children if there are pictures.
Thus
 looking for illustrations about photosynthesis will help pupils to absorb the information better.
However
, these kinds of illustrations can be provided by the teacher using a projector rather than letting them browse themselves.
On the other hand
, restraining students from utilising mobile
phones
 during lectures will allow them to focus.
This
 is because when they are able to freely access the internet, they will open apps that do not support their learning.
This
 will distract their concentration and end up focusing on something else rather than studying.
For instance
, research that involved students from many schools in Surabaya in 2018, has shown a group of students whose
phones
 are left at home have better attention compared to the other group who bring gadgets to school.
Due to
this
 reason,
this
 essay believes that applying
this
 rule has a better benefit to the juveniles because they are poor in self-control to keep themselves from using their
phones
 during class. In conclusion,
although
 allowing juveniles to use their gadget will help them during the lecture to browse additional materials, letting them use their mobiles only distract them from studying.
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task achievement
Ensure that the introduction clearly presents both sides of the argument and states your opinion. While your introduction mentioned both views, it jumped to the conclusion without presenting a clear thesis statement.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices to organize ideas more effectively. While the essay has a reasonable logical structure, there could be clearer transitions between points.
task achievement
While some examples are given, they could be more specific and relevant to enhance the argument. The hypothetical example of photosynthesis is suitable but adding more concrete data or studies could bolster the argument.
task achievement
Develop a more balanced discussion of both views before presenting your own opinion. The essay tends to favour the argument against phone use early on, which can impact the objectivity of the discussion.
task achievement
Conclusion could tie the arguments presented more closely to your opinion, reinforcing the main points while showing the implications of the argument or future considerations.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of vocabulary and syntactic structures to increase the essay's complexity and accuracy, which can enhance the overall clarity and articulation of ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Distraction
  • Cyberbullying
  • Concentration
  • Emergency communication
  • Digital literacy
  • Educational resources
  • Social development
  • Self-regulation
  • Enforcement
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Technology access
  • Learning apps
  • Screen time
  • Peer interaction
  • School policy
What to do next:
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