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Band 7.5

Many people nowadays don't feel safe either when they are at home or go out. What are the reasons? What can we do to solve this problem?

#people #home
In modern society, many
people
 argue that they are exposed to diverse
crimes
, and they feel in danger. The phenomenon is becoming more common these days.
This
 essay will examine the main causes of
crimes
 that make
people
 afraid and possible solutions to
this
 problem.
To begin
 with, it appears that
crimes
 resulting from technological advancements and
crimes
 arising from
people
 struggling economically are on the rise.
Firstly
, using mobile devices and joining social media is getting popular more and more as time goes on.
Therefore
, there are various times of exposure to
crimes
such
 as voice phishing.
For instance
, if someone falls victim to a scam, he must suffer financially and will be fear of unknown numbers.
Also
, knife
crimes
 have been on the rise by
people
 who influenced the skyrocketed cost of living. Those who commit these
crimes
 often struggle with financial difficulties, become despondent about their lives, and turn aggressive, attacking
people
 indiscriminately in public places.
Thus
, the development of technology and the rising cost of living become a reason for committing a crime. To tackle these social issues, the government should introduce positive solutions. It is commonly known that numerous general publics are exposed to abundant harmful advertisements when they are using their smartphones.
Therefore
, the organization could do a social campaign to prevent exposing cybercrimes.
Additionally
, the government may demand that the police deploy more patrol officers in public places.
Furthermore
, they should install more CCTV cameras in a blind spot in crime.
Therefore
, these two schemes could make individuals do diverse social activities in public areas safely.
To sum up
, I believe that various
crimes
 occurring both inside and outside households
due to
 various social issues make many
people
 feel unsafe anywhere.
However
, I believe that through various government policies and activities, we can create a safer society.
Submitted by jin960524 on

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task achievement
The essay covers the major reasons for crime, emphasizing technological advancements and economic struggles. However, it would be better to provide more detailed and varied examples of each to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
While the essay has strong thematic paragraphs, the transitions between points could be smoother for better flow. Try to use a mix of linking phrases to connect your ideas more fluidly.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both clear and concise, effectively framing the argument of the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides a complete and comprehensive response to the task, addressing both causes and solutions.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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