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Band 5

Some people think that money is the best give to give to youngster while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #money #youngster
Under education, children always think that
money
 can do everything.
While
 some think
money
 is the best gift for
adolescent
Fix the agreement mistake
adolescents
show examples
, I find it disadvantages.
This
 essay will discuss why the benefits of giving
money
 as a gift to youngsters
outweighs
Change the verb form
outweigh
show examples
 the drawback. On the one hand, the reason why cash is not the best benefit to give to the youngster is that it may give them the wrong value that
money
 is the target of their life. When they have
this
 kind of thinking, they will just focus on the
money
 in the future which will affect their personal development as they won't find their interest
that is
 not related to salary.
However
, the upside of giving youngsters
money
 as a benefit should
also
 be accounted
also
.
On the other hand
, wealth is the best benefit to give
to give
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
to youngsters is that they can buy things they actually want. When they want to buy something but don't have adequate wealth, parents can give them a little amount of
money
 as a bonus so that children have the motivation to complete the task that was given quickly and save the capital to increase their purchasing power to achieve the amount of the price of their things that they want to buy.
Finally
 , their budget management will improve and get a well-saving habit. In conclusion, I believe that giving
money
 as a
give
Correct your spelling
gift to
show examples
children can enhance their financial management which is an important skill for their future so I agree cash is the best
award
Correct your spelling
reward
show examples
 to give to
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
.
Submitted by callachan8 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay fails to construct a clear and cohesive argument regarding the subject. Although there is an introduction and a conclusion, they are not effectively developed to guide the reader through the essay. To improve, you should work on creating a more logical structure that clearly introduces the topic, presents arguments, and then summarizes the findings in the conclusion. Each paragraph should have one clear main idea and follow a logical sequence.
task achievement
While the essay attempts to complete the task, the response lacks clarity and depth in the exposition of ideas. It is crucial to develop your points comprehensively, providing relevant examples that are well-explained to substantiate your arguments. Avoid presenting ideas superficially and strive to explore each point fully for the reader to understand how it supports your stance on the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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