Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Music
has been believed to be a means of connecting people
regardless of how old they are or where they come from. This
is true to me as well since music
has no tangible border as it is assumed to exist, such
as languages or generation gap
.
In relation to the fact that we do not have to know a language, in which, Fix the agreement mistake
gaps
songs
are written to sing along, people
from different countries and cultures just keep loving and finding their way to each other through music
. And even if language is a boundary to stop it from being felt, there are many fans just
attempt to study or mimic the Correct pronoun usage
who just
pronounciation
of those Correct your spelling
pronunciation
songs
to make them work. For instance
, K-pop is nowadays a phenomina
adopted by not Correct your spelling
phenomena
phenomenon
Rephrase
only Asian
Asian
but Replace the word
Asians
also
foreigners from the
other areas of the world like Europe, North America Correct article usage
apply
or
Australia continents where the culture has almost nothing in common. Correct word choice
and
Nevertheless
, people
are overwhelmingly crazy about it and trying to learn Korean as
an effort to attach to it to a greater extent. Change preposition
in
Accordingly
, Kpop
fans from all over the world regardless of their nationalities or different first languages just always gather in their favourite idols' concerts to sing out loud their Correct your spelling
K-pop
songs
of favour.
On another side
Replace the word
the other hand
of
Change preposition
apply
music
said
to distance Add a missing verb
is said
people
from different generations, although
it is true to some extent, there are always ones loving
to sing the popular Wrong verb form
who love
songs
in their parents' or even grandparents' time as if they belonged to that past. That must not be because they are in love with only
the Rephrase
not only
songs
' contexts but also
the memory
brought back whenever they are played. Fix the agreement mistake
memories
In contrast
, some elderly also
find themselves interested in the
recent Correct article usage
apply
music
trend
Fix the agreement mistake
trends
such
as rap, which is, by nature, unbelievable to be their taste of
Change preposition
in
music
. As a great example to
Change preposition
of
this
, quite a lot of the elderly in America have admitted that they have felt closed
to their children or grandchildren than ever by getting to know the Replace the word
closer
music
they are exposed to, from there, they have more topics to share despite the age gap.
In summary, music
is playing
a significant part in bonding Wrong verb form
plays
people
from different backgrounds and ages inspite
of the seemed-to-be problems and disconnections. Correct your spelling
in spite
Hence
, it is fabulous for something like music
to exist to discover that we all are having
something in common to share with each other for the good.Wrong verb form
have
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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and follows logically from the previous one to maintain coherence throughout the essay. Some paragraphs may benefit from clearer topic sentences to indicate the main point of the paragraph.
Coherence & Cohesion
It is important that the introduction and conclusion are both present and clearly state your stance on the given topic. The essay succeeded in providing these elements.
Coherence & Cohesion
Support the main points with appropriate examples or further explanation. While the essay does provide examples, they could be integrated more smoothly and cohesively into the argument.
Task Achievement
Ensure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the prompt. The essay demonstrates a clear response to the task but could develop a more nuanced argument to fully satisfy the requirements.
Task Achievement
Your ideas are relevant, but aim for greater clarity and depth in your explanations to enhance understanding. Strive for comprehensive exposition of your thoughts throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
Use specific examples to substantiate your arguments. The inclusion of the K-pop phenomenon is a strong point and relevant; more examples like this could further bolster your argument.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?