Nowadays a large amount of advertising is aimed at children. Some people think this can have negative effects on children and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Currently, youngsters are attracted by plenty of placards, some consider
this
as a negative approach owing to its negative consequences in the long run. As a result
, it would be better to forbid it. This
essay will delve into the details of this
topic in addition
to my opinion that will be illustrated which is agree with this
strategy.
To begin
with, nowadays, it's clearly discernible that there are a lot of advertisements
in order to attract children
. To elucidate this
, take the U.K. as a clear example, back in 2008, many video game companies launched advertisements
campaigning in the system to lure children
to buy these games
. As a result
, the surge in their profits was clearly noticeable. However
, despite this
, a survey was done by the administrations of Ealing School in London and they reached a conclusion which is so many pupils were not keen on their homework because of digital games
.
Therefore
, the school authorities claimed that guardians to observe their children
at home in order to get rid of these activities.As a result
, after a profound surveillance of the parents in order to encourage the children
to abandon these games
, their marks were on an upward trend.
Moreover
, in 2004, the number of children
casualties increased to which extent caused by public propaganda. To illustrate Fix the agreement mistake
child
this
, for instance
, in Egypt, a lot of children
were in an attempt to mimic the heroic actions in some digital games
. Consequently
, the brutality between the young ages increased dramatically. So as societies do not struggle with this
dilemma, what the governments have to do is bane these kinds of advertisements
in a procedure to save our children
safe and secure as much as we can.
In a nutshell, it is predicted that the demerits of advertisements
that aim children
are far high owing to the aforementioned clarifications. Change preposition
at children
Accordingly
, it seems to me that these types of propaganda have to be ceased.Submitted by nadeenelkenawy4425 on
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task achievement
The essay addresses the topic, but could benefit from a clearer introduction stating the writer's opinion. Ensure that the position taken on the issue is presented at the very beginning and that the introduction and conclusion echo this stance for greater impact and clarity.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat evident; however, there seems to be repetition and a lack of clear progression in some parts. Use a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing to more clearly organize the main points and their supporting arguments.
task achievement
The essay provides examples, yet sometimes the relevance and development of these are not fully convincing. Attempt to use a variety or more nuanced examples that directly support the main points being made, explaining how the examples are relevant and what they demonstrate.
coherence cohesion
Overall coherence is achieved, but the essay can be made more cohesive with better use of synonyms and less repetition of phrases and ideas. Vary your language and make sure not to overuse certain terms and expressions.
coherence cohesion
For an improved score, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea that it elaborates on. A paragraph should focus on a single main idea, which should be supported by detailed and relevant evidence or examples.
task achievement
A more structured approach to your conclusion will help in summing up your arguments and reiterating your perspective. Avoid introducing new points. Instead, focus on summarizing the main arguments and stating why your opinion is justified based on the evidence provided.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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