IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The use of mobile phone is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phone should be banned like smoking. To what extend do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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There are arguments that the usage of mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 should not be allowed
in particular
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 places
as well as
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 smoking.
This
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 is because using mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 can distract our attention from other important activities
such
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 as studying or eating. I completely agree with the given statements because I believe mobile
phones
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 have shifted people from education or meals and made them antisocial like smoking. To commence with, one of the predominant reasons why people use mobile
phones
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 is to publicize everything on social media.
For instance
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,
last
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 week
me
Change the pronoun
I
show examples
 and my friends were having dinner at a restaurant. All of us were engaged in our
phones
Use synonyms
 and did not have meaningful conversations at all. When the food arrived, we took thousands of food pictures and posted them on our social media before we ate.
As a result
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, we find ourselves engrossed with our mobile devices.
This
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 shows how the usage of electronic gadgets can take away our quality time with loved ones.
Furthermore
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, electronic devices should be banned from certain places,
such
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 as schools, restaurants, and libraries in order to change the focus from telephone to present action. To illustrate, in libraries, people can be easily distracted by ringtones of incoming calls. Not only that,
in
Correct word choice
but in
show examples
 some public places,
such
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 as restaurants, music halls or galleries,
phones
Use synonyms
 can annoy and ruin the experience of others. In conclusion, mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 and technologies can make our lives much easier and have many merits.
Hence
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 we
also
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 should be aware of the demerits of excessive device usage that can lead to antisocial behavior.

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Task Achievement
To enhance Task Achievement, ensure that you expand on the key points, providing more depth and analysis to your arguments. Your reasons and examples should directly support your stance throughout the essay, showing a developed argument with varied sentence structures.
Coherence and Cohesion
For improving Coherence and Cohesion, work on your essay's logical progression. Ideas should flow naturally from one to the next, with clear topic sentences and cohesive devices. Paragraphing should be used effectively to structure the main ideas, and transitions should be seamless.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • antisocial
  • social interactions
  • negative impacts
  • banning
  • regulated
  • completely banned
  • education
  • awareness campaigns
  • responsible
  • mobile phone use
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