IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. To what extent do you agree with this option?

#countries #people #health #food #governments #tax #option
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Junk
food
 is undoubtedly everywhere nowadays. And countries with higher
income
Fix the agreement mistake
incomes
show examples
 tend to have more junk
food
chain
Fix the agreement mistake
chains
show examples
 than those with lower
income
Fix the agreement mistake
incomes
show examples
. It is in those places too that the health problem caused by unhealthy
food
 occurs the most.
Although
 viable, the idea of increasing the
tax
 imposed
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
type
 of
food
 would not solve
this
issue
 at hand, as wealthy
people
 could just afford to buy them anyway. If any, it could produce an unnecessary side effect
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
other sector
Change the wording
another sector
other sectors
show examples
such
 as the
overall
 economy of said country.
Therefore
, I am more inclined to disagree with the notion of increasing the
tax
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
type
 of
food
. The first
issue
 is that
people
 with enough
money
 would still be able to buy fast
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
. Ironically,
people
 with enough
money
 are the
people
 who
got
Verb problem
are
show examples
 exposed the most
by
Change preposition
to
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 diseases caused by junk foods.
Therefore
, it is redundant to gatekeep these items by increasing their prices, and, if any, would only cause them to be even more vulnerable to health
issue
 as the
money
 that
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 be
otherwise
 spent on healthy activities
such
 as gym membership are used for buying unhealthy stuff. The second
issue
 is that there is a lingering threat that other
sector
Fix the agreement mistake
sectors
show examples
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society could be affected by
this
 movement. The most notable one is going to be the economic sector. If we increase the
tax
 for unhealthy
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of foods and beverages, it could lead to a decrease in demand and
therefore
 drop the value of these items. If the problem doesn't get resolved soon, it could
then
 lead to
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
inflation
that is
 unnecessarily time-consuming and needs a lot of
money
 to fix. In the end, I could not see the good
of
Change preposition
in
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 the idea
to increase
Change preposition
of increasing
show examples
tax
Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
show examples
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 unhealthy
food
. It would only reduce the
people
 who eat them which would
then
 lead to inflation or doesn't affect
people
 at all, and they would just continue to consume them even though the price increases.
Therefore
, I disagree with the idea of increasing the
tax
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
type
 of commodity.
Submitted by fadiljayaputra on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction adequately paraphrases the prompt and presents a clear thesis statement outlining your position. Strengthen the logical structure by using varied transition words and clearly demarcated paragraphs.
task achievement
To fully satisfy the task achievement criteria, develop your ideas with more depth and detail. Providing specific examples and explaining how they relate to your main points will strengthen the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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