IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

children who are brought up in families that do not have large amount of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children brough up by wealthy parents. to what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#children #families #amount #money #adult #life #brough #parents
There is a controversial issue today related to whether children who grow up in poor
families
 can handle the difficulties of
adult
life
 or those who are raised by rich guardians. The purpose of
this
 essay is to analyse both sides of the argument and
then
 I will give my own perspective.
To begin
 with,regarding the youth who are raised in moneyless
families
,there is no doubt they are able to manage the ordeals of
adult
life
.On account of their previous experiences in some difficult situations that they were in before.To justify
this
,
For instance
, take Ealing School in London as a clear example, they pointed out survey, that the number of youngsters who do not struggle with the burning of
adult
life
 is in the majority.
This
 is because it is something normal for them to be under pressure and they are carrying on these situations in order to have a good
life
.
On the other hand
,by dint of plenty of money,some children do not have any trouble to get their needs and fulfilling their potential.In spite of
this
, when they are brought out in society and face the burning of
life
,they are shocked.To elucidate
this
,
according to
 the panel of experts assembled by the Ministry of Health in my country (Egypt). They revealed that the percentages of adults who are stuck in depression
as well as
 anxiety are on the surge. Owing to their descent from wealthy
families
.
As a result
, their
families
 offered everything they needed. The main justification for
this
 is they have never been in a complex situation.Not only
this
 but
also
 they never work hard in order to meet their basic needs. In a nutshell, these arguments collectively persuade me that the children who live with wealthy
families
 are not as clever as those who are brought up with poor
families
 in order to manage the problems of
adult
life
 because of the aforementioned clarifications and I agree with
Correct your spelling
this
the
thi
Correct your spelling
this
Submitted by nadeenelkenawy4425 on

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coherence cohesion
Maintain a consistent and clear structure throughout the essay, ensuring that paragraphs are logically connected and flow naturally from one to another.
coherence cohesion
Improve the introduction and conclusion by presenting a clear thesis statement in the introduction and a summarizing conclusion that effectively encapsulates your argument.
coherence cohesion
Develop main points with detailed explanations, additional evidence, and examples that are directly relevant to the topic. Avoid general statements without supporting details.
task achievement
Ensure that the essay fully responds to all parts of the task prompt. Avoid leaving the essay incomplete and ensure the opinion is clearly stated and consistent throughout the essay.
task achievement
Clarify and expand on your ideas to provide a comprehensive understanding of your perspective. Avoid ambiguity and make sure that sentences clearly communicate your argument.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific examples and details related to the topic to substantiate your argument. Examples should be relevant and illustrate your points effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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