IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that it is a good idea that old people continue to work if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?

In recent years, some have argued that arguing workforce is less productive.
However
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, there is evidence that senior employment can have positive consequences for social cohesion and economic growth. I particularly agree with
this
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 viewpoint and the following essay will clarify
this
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 idea. On the
one
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 hand, senior workers can indeed be harmful to society
due to
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 health issues and a lack of technical abilities limit the capacity of the elderly.
For example
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, in many countries,
people
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 over 60 years old are usually retired.
Furthermore
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, as
people
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 age, their bodily functions decline,
such
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 as slowing down, weakening their senses, and shrinking their muscles.
As a result
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, Old
people
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 will be less active and agile than young
people
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.
On the other hand
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, there is no denying that seniors have a wealth of experience which, with the right management, can be highly effective in the proper context.
One
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 can observe that in the United States, the current generation over 60 is highly educated and relatively healthy, particularly in comparison to previous generations.
Moreover
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, many already have applicable skills that can be useful in the
job
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 market and are well-versed in the activities of the business world. In conclusion, the argument against senior employment that does have some validity is the fact that it reduces the number of jobs available in the marketplace. For every
job
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 that a senior is offered,
one
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job
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 is unavailable for a young person.
While
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this
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 is true, the jobs seniors and younger
people
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 generally look for are quite different.
Instead
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 of taking a
job
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, they're usually filling a
job
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 that no
one
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 else wants,
therefore
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it is clear that
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 there is little reason to avoid hiring seniors.

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Task Achievement
Clarify your stance more clearly in the introduction and ensure that your thesis statement directly reflects your argument. You mentioned both sides but should emphasize your agreement more explicitly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve linking between ideas for better flow. Use more cohesive devices to connect your points, especially in your second paragraph.
Task Achievement
Your third paragraph mentions a valid point about job availability but could benefit from more specific examples to reinforce your argument. Discuss how seniors contribute positively to the workforce in practice.
Content
Your essay presents a balanced view by acknowledging both sides of the argument, which demonstrates critical thinking.
Language
You have a good range of vocabulary and some effective phrases, which enhances your writing style.
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