IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar,wihch causes many health problems. sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar . do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, there are many
health
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 concerns regarding the
consumption
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 of food and drinks containing high levels of
sugar
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, leading us to face various
health
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 problems. The majority of
people
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 believe that imposing higher taxes on
sugar
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 or increasing its price would compel individuals and factories to use less
sugar
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. In
this
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 essay, I will explain why I completely disagree with
this
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 perspective.
To begin
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 with, there is no doubt that
sugar
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 usage is harmful to the majority of individuals and has a negative impact on their
health
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.
However
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, higher taxes or increased prices have only a short-term effect on decreasing usage.
Additionally
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, many workers are employed in factories that produce food or drinks containing
sugar
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. To offset the increased costs, companies might resort to unemployment, posing a disadvantage for both society and the government.
Furthermore
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,
on the other hand
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, there are numerous
people
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 who love sweets, indicating that they are addicted. Changes in sweets' prices can have a detrimental effect on their mental well-being, leading to issues
such
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 as depression. If the government aims to control
sugar
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consumption
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, it should raise awareness about the disadvantages of using
sugar
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 and how it can threaten
health
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. In
this
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 case,
people
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 will manage their
consumption
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 of sugary products.
Moreover
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, the government can encourage individuals to engage in physical activities,
such
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 as joining a gym, to moderate their food and drink intake and help them avoid
health
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 problems. In conclusion, changing prices is not the foremost way to control
sugar
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consumption
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; it is effective for a short time and can lead society to face job and mental
health
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 problems. In my opinion, educating
people
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 about the disadvantages of
sugar
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 and encouraging them to engage in more physical activity is a better approach than relying on price increases.

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear progression of ideas. Each paragraph should have a clear central topic and every sentence should contribute to the development of that topic. Consider using a more discernible structure with topic sentences that outline the main idea for each paragraph followed by supporting sentences and a concluding sentence that reaffirms the paragraph's main idea.
coherence cohesion
There is limited use of cohesive devices. You need to use a wider range of discourse markers and linking words/phrases to help guide the reader through the argument and to link ideas within sentences and across paragraphs more effectively.
task achievement
The response partially addresses the question prompt but could better develop and support main points. Include more detailed explanations and relevant examples to extend arguments and illustrate points more fully. Providing specific evidence or scenarios can enhance the persuasiveness of the argument.
task achievement
Be sure to directly address the question prompt in both the introduction and conclusion to make your position clear. Use the conclusion to effectively summarize the main points made in the essay and to reiterate your stance on the issue.
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