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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Childhood obesity /əʊˈbiː.sə.ti/ is becoming a serious problem in many countries. What are the causes of this? What solutions can be offered?

#childhood #obesity #əʊˈbiː #sə #ti #countries
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In today’s society, a growing number of overweight offspring has sparked a degree of controversy among people
due to
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 its serious public health challenges in many nations.
Although
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this
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 problem can be attributed to a plethora of reasons, some feasible measures can be considered to address
this
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. There are a number of understandable reasons for the rising levels of childhood obesity. The first reason is unhealthy eating habits.Since monkeys nowadays tend to consume too much fast
food
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,
such
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 as candy and soft drinks, they are more likely to be overweight. In fact, studies have shown that fast
food
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 is very high in fat and sugars but low in vitamins and minerals, which would cause kids to gain weight quickly.Another undeniable reason is sedentary /ˈsed.ən.tər.i/ lifestyles. If kids spend too much time watching television, browsing the internet or playing video games, as opposed to engaging in physical outdoor activities like playing football or going swimming, they do not burn excess /ɪkˈses/ calories.
Therefore
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, they are becoming increasingly obese. /əʊˈbiːs/ There are several actions that could be taken to mitigate the problems mentioned above.
Firstly
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, it is important for
parents
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 to control what their children eat to make sure they have a healthy diet.
This
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 means that
parents
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 should educate them about the detrimental effects of an imbalanced diet so that they can make healthier
food
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 choices, which could prevent kids from obesity.
Secondly
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, one of the most effective solutions to tackle
this
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 problem would be for
parents
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 to restrict the time their children spend on sedentary activities and encourage them to take regular exercise.
It is clear that
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 children find it easy to sit for hours on end and be glued to a screen
due to
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 attractive entertainment programs on television.
Hence
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,
parents
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 should set a time limit of 30 to 60 minutes for the day.
Thirdly
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, unhealthy junk
food
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 should be banned from school menus and fast-
food
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 advertising should be limited. In conclusion, there are various factors leading to the increase in child obesity and measures should be implemented to tackle
this
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 issue
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coherence cohesion
While the essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, the sections can be expanded slightly to enhance balance. This could elevate the score for Introduction/Conclusion Presence.
task achievement
Including more specific examples and elaborating on them could improve the clarity and comprehensiveness of the ideas presented. For instance, mentioning specific studies or statistics can add value.
general
Proofread for minor errors like 'monkeys' instead of 'children/kids'. These small inaccuracies, even if overlooked, might slightly affect the flow for the reader.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured with clear main points and supporting details, showing good coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
The task is addressed effectively, and a range of solutions are proposed, showcasing a strong task achievement.
language
Good use of vocabulary and variety in sentence structures enhance the overall readibility of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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