IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Government should spend money on railways rather than roads. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#government #money #railways #roads
Many times authorities face the hard decision of whether
investing
Change the verb form
to invest
show examples
 in
railways
 before routes. I strongly believe that building
railways
 and other train facilities carries way more advantages
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
constructiong
Correct your spelling
constructing
construction
 roads,
such
 as the reduction of carbon exhausts and the expansion of
cities
.
Firstly
, building
railways
 helps
connecting
Wrong verb form
connect
show examples
cities
 and even countries. For decades,
trains
 have facilitated the transportation of
people
 and goods between different locations
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 a map.
This
 event has helped small villages develop into bigger
cities
 since more
people
 were able to reach these places. A good example of
this
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 the
Europen
Correct your spelling
European
show examples
 countries: urban sprawl has been much
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
easier thanks to the development of the railway system, allowing communities to connect to one another.
Secondly
, the expansion of rail lines is
benefitial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 to the environment. Nowadays, most
trains
 use electric energy to function rather than fossil fuel, meaning that they leave a smaller carbon footprint.
Furthermore
,
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 by train is cheaper than owning
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 automobile, which leads to an increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
people
 choosing to use
trains
 to commute short and long distances
instead
 of private vehicles.
Consequently
, there would be less pollution coming from the emissions provoked by cars. In conclusion, the government should be more interested in spending more money on
railways
 so as to make
people
 choose greener means of transport like
trains
 and to develop
cities
.
Submitted by tamaracheroki on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay shows a reasonable level of logical structure with clear paragraphs; however, transitions between them could be smoother to enhance the flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and convey a clear position. To further strengthen these sections, consider restating the main points more dynamically in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
You have provided some support for your main points, but the arguments could be further strengthened with additional details and more varied examples.
task achievement
Your essay provides a response to the prompt, but it could be considered incomplete. To improve, make sure to address the question more directly and cover all parts of the prompt more thoroughly.
task achievement
The ideas presented are comprehensible, but they risk being too general. Aim for more depth in your discussion by developing your arguments further and incorporating a wider range of ideas.
task achievement
Relevant examples are provided, but they lack specificity. Employ more specific and detailed examples to substantiate your arguments. Avoid overly general statements.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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