IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that wild animals should not be kept in zoos or other man-made environments as there is no longer a need for them in the 21st century. Do you agree or disagree?

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In
this
Linking Words
 21st century,
zoos
Use synonyms
 are
no
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
 needed because all creatures and
spicies
Correct your spelling
species
spices
 should live where they
belongs
Change the verb form
belong
show examples
 to
instead
Linking Words
 of
zoos
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, some claim that
wils
Correct your spelling
wild
animals
Use synonyms
 should not be kept in
zoos
Use synonyms
 or
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
artificial
cells
Use synonyms
 because
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
no
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
 needed in the 21st century. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because it brings more detrimental effects on wild
animals
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay discusses it briefly for the following reasons.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, wild
animals
Use synonyms
 should not be kept in
zoos
Use synonyms
 because many wild
animals
Use synonyms
 suffer
to adopt
Verb problem
from
show examples
 the new geological locations,
thus
Linking Words
, some rare
spicies
Correct your spelling
species
 might
be death
Verb problem
die
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, white bears live in dry and cold
Use synonyms
tempreature
Correct your spelling
temperature
temperatures
 in the Arctic
places
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can swim and
bath
Correct your spelling
bathe
show examples
 in
saltwater
Correct your spelling
salt water
show examples
,
in contrast
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 kind of creature keep in
zoos
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 it may be affected or dead by
new
Correct article usage
a new
show examples
 atmosphere with low
Use synonyms
tempreature
Correct your spelling
temperature
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, all wild
animals
Use synonyms
 should be in their own
places
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
forest
Fix the agreement mistake
forests
show examples
,
Linking Words
besides
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
in
zoos
Use synonyms
 it can
forgive
Verb problem
improve
show examples
 their
nature
Replace the word
natural
show examples
 quality and habitats,
consequently
Linking Words
, it will affect the food chain rapidly.
Therefore
Linking Words
, wild
animals
Use synonyms
 should not be kept in
zoos
Use synonyms
 in the modern era because it no longer needed.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, wild
animals
Use synonyms
 should not be kept in
man-made
Add an article
the man-made
show examples
 environment because
animals
Use synonyms
 have to
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
live in their natural
places
Use synonyms
 where belongs.
An artificial
Correct the article-noun agreement
Artificial
show examples
cells
Use synonyms
 are very small as compared to the forest, so, some
animals
Use synonyms
 cannot be comfortable within a low space with low
Use synonyms
tempreature
Correct your spelling
temperature
temperatures
 and food.
For instance
Linking Words
, some wild creatures have more
spaces
Fix the agreement mistake
space
show examples
 in their mother
Use synonyms
places
Fix the agreement mistake
place
show examples
 which is
forest
Correct article usage
the forest
show examples
while
Linking Words
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can do many things like run, walk, sleep, jump and
bath
Correct your spelling
bathe
show examples
 but
these
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
all
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
everything cannot fulfil by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
artificial
cells
Use synonyms
, as
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 consequence, some might be dead.
Hence
Linking Words
, wild
animals
Use synonyms
 should not be kept in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
man-made
cells
Use synonyms
 and it
no
Verb problem
is not
show examples
 needed in the 21st era.
To conclude
Linking Words
, wild
animals
Use synonyms
 cannot
adpot
Correct your spelling
adopt
adapt
 the new geological
places
Use synonyms
 with low
Use synonyms
tempreature
Correct your spelling
temperature
temperatures
 and
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 cannot live in
a small
Correct the article-noun agreement
small cells
a small cell
show examples
cells
Use synonyms
,
thus
Linking Words
, some
animals
Use synonyms
 might be dead by
this
Linking Words
 kind of captivity, so,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 should not be kept in
zoos
Use synonyms
 and man-made
places
Use synonyms
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern era.
Then
Linking Words
, I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement in the above-mentioned details. I hope
this
Linking Words
 drive brings more benefits to wild
animals
Use synonyms
.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear logical structure, which is important for the reader to follow your argument. Work on organizing your ideas more effectively, using clear paragraphs and topic sentences.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but need to be clearer and more developed. Specifically, the introduction should clearly state your stance on the issue, and the conclusion should effectively summarize the key points without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are present but not well supported. Provide more detailed and concrete examples to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
The response to the task at hand is complete, but the development of ideas is only sufficient. Aim to develop your points fully to meet the requirements of a higher band score.
task achievement
The ideas communicated are somewhat clear, but they could be expressed more comprehensively. Work on clarity of expression and providing more explicit reasoning behind your arguments.
task achievement
While you have attempted to use examples, they need to be more relevant and specific. Use real-life examples or research findings to substantiate your claims and improve the effectiveness of your essay.
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