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More and more fathers are taking break from their careers so that they can stay home and take care of their children while their wives work. This is better for the family than having both parents work full time. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.

#fathers #careers #home #care #children #wives #work #parents #time
While
 the bar
chart
 gives information about the number of
students
attended
Correct pronoun usage
who attended
show examples
 music classes in Australian
university
Fix the agreement mistake
universities
show examples
 from 2000 to 2006, the pie
chart
 provides data about their career path chosen after graduating from the course.
Overall
, the numbers of male and female
students
 enrolled in the classes were,at first,the same ,
whereas
 female
students
 outgrew by far
in
Change the preposition
at
show examples
 the end of the given period. And it is clearly seen that more than half of the attendants chose different ways of professional life. In 2000, looking at the bar
chart
 , we can see similar percentages for both female and male
students
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
attending the course, with 20 %. By 2004 , either male or female ones had seen dramatic changes. The figures for men saw
double
Add an article
a double
show examples
 decrease , at the same time ones for
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 rocketed almost to 50 %. Both genders had grown by 2006, with 20% and 60 % respectively. Information on the pie
chart
 provided ensures that 55% of all attendants choose different career
path
Fix the agreement mistake
paths
show examples
.
While
 other part of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
students
 ,relatively,choose
Correct article usage
the
show examples
same or similar professions.
Submitted by bekzodeshonjonovv on

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task achievement
The essay you have written completely misses the given IELTS topic, which was to discuss the trend of fathers taking career breaks to care for their children. Your response, however, discusses the number of students attending music classes in an Australian university and the subsequent career paths of these students. This grave deviation from the task results in the lowest possible score for task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Your essay shows an attempt to structure information using comparison and contrast between male and female students over time, adapting to a bar and pie chart. However, your essay does not have a clear introduction stating the topic or a conclusion summarizing the main points. Additionally, the cohesion is compromised because the essay does not address the given prompt. To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that your essay has a clear introductory statement, logically ordered paragraphs that progress through the argument or discussion, and a conclusion that summarizes the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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