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Band 4.5

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on your children. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

#computer #effects #children
this
Correct determiner usage
These
show examples
 days many
people
 believe that
children
 using a computer every day can have a negative impact. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 we will discuss the negative effects that might be caused by using a computer for a long time on the body and the mind. There are many reasons why
people
 think that computers are dangerous, especially for a kid during his development.
Firstly
, it is a common opinion that watching a monitor for more than 5 hours every day without taking any breaks might cause big issues in the eyes
such
 as irritation and dryness.
Secondly
, a child can develop a sort of addiction
due to
 all the social networks
such
Facebook
Change preposition
as Facebook
show examples
, Instagram or Snapchat. and might cause isolation and make it harder to talk with real
people
 and find new friends. On the other side there are
people
 like John Smith from the
oxford academy
Correct your spelling
Oxford Academy
show examples
, who think that computers can have positive effects on our
children
 if they have been taught how to use them properly, indeed studies and
researches
Fix the agreement mistake
research
show examples
 confirm that a kid if guided by an adult can solve homework in a short time taking shorts breaks to don’t damage the eyes.
Secondly
, they can improve their social skills using the right communication methods. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
 I agree that computers have negative
impacts
Fix the agreement mistake
impact
show examples
 on our
children
 because nowadays every family has a computer at home and because it is a quite new technology even adults don’t know how to use it properly, as
consequence
Add an article
a consequence
show examples
 they can’t teach their
children
.
Submitted by ste.deblasi.97 on

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task response
It's crucial to maintain a clear position throughout the essay. While you presented two sides of the argument, the overall stance needs to be consistent.
task response
Support your main points with detailed examples. The mention of John Smith and the Oxford Academy needs substantiation with more specific information.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear logical structure which makes it difficult to follow. Each paragraph should contain a single clear idea that is developed and connected back to the thesis.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present but could be more effective in presenting the thesis and summarizing the main points, respectively.
coherence cohesion
When presenting viewpoints, ensure that your transitions are smooth and ideas naturally progress from one to the other

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Screen time
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Physical inactivity
  • Cognitive development
  • Internet addiction
  • Cyberbullying
  • Inappropriate content
  • Digital literacy
  • Virtual learning environments
  • Parental controls
  • Moderation
  • Online safety
  • Tech-savvy
  • E-learning
  • Information technology
  • Eye strain
  • Social skills
  • Multitasking
  • Interactive education
  • Health repercussions
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