The tv and the internet provide opportunity to ordinary people to become famous.Is this a positive or a negative development ?

The
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
and the internet provide
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
ordinary people to become famous.Is
this
a positive or a negative development ? Nowadays part of some people are getting popular
by
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with
show examples
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
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shows and media.
In
addition
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addition,
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popularity includes a lot of benefits, one of them are money from content and contracts. But the coin has another side. It is
danger
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a danger
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to
famous
Correct article usage
a famous
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person’s
life
. Because of envy. As it is obvious from the internet, celebrities earn a huge amount of cash from using their face in advertisements and if the famous person is
Add an article
a super
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super star
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superstar
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, there will be more demand for his name in companies products.
For example
, Cristiano Ronaldo
which
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who
show examples
is the best footballer uses his appearance in things and
earn
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earns
show examples
from
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apply
show examples
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
3 million
of
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apply
show examples
dollars every month. Unless
,
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apply
show examples
popular figures risk
with
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apply
show examples
their
life
. In the same
way
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way,
show examples
their risks
justified
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are justified
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with money. But
life
is more important than money and from the media, you can see how celebs lost their
life
.
For example
in
20th
Correct article usage
the 20th
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century, John Kennedy who was
very
Correct article usage
a very
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noticeable president in the USA, was killed by someone because of his popularity. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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fame has
good
Add an article
a good
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part for people because of
salary
Correct article usage
the salary
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from deals, but
also
make
Verb problem
apply
show examples
risk
Correct subject-verb agreement
risks
show examples
to
celeb’s
Correct article usage
a celeb’s
show examples
life
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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task achievement
You need to provide a clear introduction that paraphrases the question and states your thesis. Also, make sure to include a conclusion that succinctly summarizes your main points and restates your position.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay lacks a cohesive structure and clear paragraphing. Each paragraph should start with a topic sentence that introduces the point you will discuss therein. Logical connectors should be used to ensure smooth transitions between ideas.
task achievement
You should support your main points with more elaborated examples and explanations. Also, ensure that your examples are relevant and directly support the argument you are making.
task achievement
The development of ideas is uneven and lacks depth. Expand on the potential benefits and drawbacks of being famous with more specific details to create a balanced argument.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to use a range of linking words to structure your essay more coherently and to help the reader understand the relationship between ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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