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Writing Samples /
Band 4

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time
Advent
Add an article
The advent
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 of
technology
 has created lots of
option
Fix the agreement mistake
options
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 for
children
 to spend their
time
 on them. gadgets like
videogames
Correct your spelling
video games
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,
social
Correct word choice
and social
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 media
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 really changed the way they spend their
time
.
As a result
,
lot
Correct article usage
a lot
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 of drawbacks
has stated reflecting
Wrong verb form
have been reflected
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 in their
lives
. Being
tech savvy
Add a hyphen
tech-savvy
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 is considered good for
children
, but it has
own
Correct pronoun usage
its own
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 demerits. The main advantage of
children
 spending their spare
time
 on new
technology
 is that they become quick
learner
Fix the agreement mistake
learners
show examples
 and adapt
innovation
Change preposition
to innovation
show examples
 in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 early on. It develops their cognitive abilities and
enhance
Change the verb form
enhances
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 their mental strength.
Furthermore
, In free
time
 spending
time
 on mobile, internet
boost
Correct subject-verb agreement
boosts
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 learning abilities. To illustrate, YouTube has become
new
Add an article
the new
a new
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 mode of learning for
children
 across the globe.
However
, spending
time
 on
latest
Correct article usage
the latest
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 technologies can prove detrimental for
children
 too . excessive use of
technology
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 in addiction
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
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 ,
mobile
Correct word choice
and mobile
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. It
also
 leads to depression and isolation among youngsters. To epitome, most
children
 spend their
time
 on social media and start comparing their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 with other people.
This
 can lead to depression and isolation as people
started
Wrong verb form
start
show examples
 posting on Instagram,
Correct word choice
and facebook
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facebook
Capitalize word
Facebook
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 is part of their
lives
.
Moreover
,
technology
 proves to hindrance for them if it is not used properly. Trolling ,
catfishing
Correct word choice
and catfishing
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 become part of their
lives
. Addiction
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
technology
 proves to be risky for them. In conclusion,
Although
technology
 is
important
Add an article
an important
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 part of
live
Replace the word
life
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. Use of it should be monitored as it can create
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 later in their
lives
.
Technology
 should be used wisely by
children
. Excessive use of anything will prove detrimental
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 them.
Submitted by yash334 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Your essay lacks a well-defined structure which leads to a loosely connected flow of ideas. An examiner needs to see a clearly articulated introduction with a thesis statement, well-developed body paragraphs with topic sentences that are expanded upon, and a conclusion that succinctly summarizes the argument and restates the thesis.
task achievement
Your essay should address all parts of the task effectively. You have attempted to discuss both advantages and disadvantages, but the points raised need to be developed further with more specific and detailed examples to reinforce your argument. Additionally, you should aim to present a balanced view when asked whether advantages outweigh disadvantages, including a more thorough analysis and a reasoned conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Digital literacy
  • Cyberbullying
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Inappropriate content
  • Self-learning
  • Screen time
  • Social inequality
  • Enhanced communication
  • Creative expression
  • Educational resources
What to do next:
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