IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph shows the proportion of population aged 65 and over in major developed countries. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words. You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.

The graph shows the proportion of population aged 65 and over in major developed countries. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words. You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.
#proportion #population #countries #information #features #comparisons #minutes
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The diagram illustrates the proportion of
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 aged over 65 in three industrial countries.
Overall
Linking Words
, all the countries,
USA
Use synonyms
, Sweden, and Japan predicted will dramatically increase over 100
years
Use synonyms
. At
first,
Linking Words
In 1940, citizen in
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
over 65
years
Use synonyms
aged
Change preposition
of age
show examples
 was just under 10% of the population and it went up for 40
years
Use synonyms
 that
reached
Wrong verb form
reach
show examples
 the number of 15%.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it
forecast
Wrong verb form
forecasted
show examples
Correct article usage
a rapidly
show examples
rapidly
Change the word
rapid
show examples
 increase in the future with a slight
fluctuate
Replace the word
fluctuation
show examples
.
At the end
Linking Words
 of 2040, predictions show people over 65
years
Use synonyms
 in
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 will stand up above 20%.
Next,
Linking Words
just like
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
, people with unproductive ages in Sweden started from under 10% in 1940.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it considerably rose for a long 100
years
Use synonyms
 with a small
fluctuated
Replace the word
fluctuation
show examples
 which
forecast
Add a missing verb
is forecast
show examples
 will reach
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
25% as a peak in 2040.
Lastly
Linking Words
, Japan's proportion started at 5%, not
as
Correct article usage
the as
show examples
 same
like
Change preposition
apply
show examples
others, it went down for approximately 40
years
Use synonyms
.
Then
Linking Words
, it has a quick change with
15
Correct article usage
a 15
show examples
% increase between 2020 and 2040. In 2040, the population expected will be more than 25%.
Submitted by joyapakpahan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words usa, years with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "proportion" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "went up" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "fluctuate" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Proportion
  • Aged population
  • Developed countries
  • Trends
  • Demographics
  • Percentage points
  • Elderly dependency ratio
  • Comparative analysis
  • Statistical data
  • Population aging
  • Societal impact
  • Policy implications
  • Age demographics
  • Significant increase/decrease
  • Data interpretation
  • Forecast
  • Longevity
  • Birth rate
  • Life expectancy
What to do next:
Look at other essays: