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Band 4.5

In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.

#countries #teenagers #jobs #students #idea #support
Recent times have, no doubt, seen a phenomenon among adolescents being employed during their studies in multiple countries.
While
this
 brings varied benefits for the group, it poses a few negative impacts on other
age
 workers.
This
 essay is going to
hashout
Correct your spelling
hash out
 these positives and will mention the downsides as well.
Causes
Correct article usage
The causes
show examples
 for
this
 trend to be a positive one are many; the most significant one is the practical learning for young workers alongside reading the textbooks. To be more clear, being employed
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
young
Correct article usage
a young
show examples
age
 ushers in multifarious opportunities to observe and improve the prominent skills they require not only in their own fields of employment but in every aspect of a civilized life.
For instance
,
statstics
Correct your spelling
statistics
 done by
Hardvard
Correct your spelling
Harvard
 University (2020), revealed that more than two third of teenagers acquired social skills
such
 as communication and teamwork
while
 being
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
factory
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 who
otherwise
 had remained absorbed in themselves earlier as reported by their parents. Another vital reason is the availability of active and cheap labour for employers. Companies
are benefited
Wrong verb form
benefit
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 when they receive employees who work faster and work
on
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at
show examples
basic
Correct article usage
a basic
show examples
 pay rate;
whereas
 their counterparts are paid as per their qualifications and years of experience in the field even if they are older comparatively.
This
 can be exemplified by the statement provided by the CEO of Hiroshima company that
part -time
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part-time
show examples
 student workers proved to raise the company's revenue
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the year 2021 by 23
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 since they work without any pay rate demands. On the other side,
while
 the trend undoubtedly brings potential
ourcomes
Correct your spelling
outcomes
 for employers and young employees, other
poplulations
Correct your spelling
populations
;
yound
Correct your spelling
young
 adults and older ones are greatly affected as
this
 certainly lowers the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of job opportunities for them
along with
 soaring the probability of replacement of older employees with new trained young ones ahead of their retirement;
consequently
 surging the income and job insecurities of
this
 populace. To recapitulate,
begin
Wrong verb form
beginning
show examples
 working at
young
Add an article
a young
show examples
age
 prepares the baseline for their bright careers,
however
, the
impacts
Fix the agreement mistake
impact
show examples
Change the determiner
this notion
these notions
show examples
this
 notions has on other
age
 groups
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
can be ignored by no means.
Submitted by asr.rajni2001 on

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coherence cohesion
The response requires a clearer thesis statement in the introduction and more distinction between the body paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph has a unique main point, and is supported with relevant, specific examples which are expanded upon.
task achievement
The essay mentions both positive and negative aspects of the issue, which is good. However, the task achievement could be improved by fully addressing the task, developing each point more comprehensively, and ensuring clarity in expressing your ideas. Try to delve deeper into your arguments and ensure each paragraph directly relates to the question prompt. Use a wider range of vocabulary to express your ideas more precisely.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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