IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some countries focus on health care and education benefits while others on infrastructure and employment. Which do you think would be more beneficial for the population? Give specific details and examples to support your opinion.

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Nowadays, the authority in some nations has various responsibilities. The
government
Use synonyms
 insists on having many plans to develop their nations.
However
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, some of them only targeting in certain issues. I agree that the decision-maker should be focused on
infrastructure
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, but not leaving the other elements. On the one hand,
infrastructure
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 and employment are the main keys to a country's development since both factors can lead others to be well-maintained. Improving transportation facilities;
for instance
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, will bring advantages to employees who usually use
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 for moving.
Besides
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, the good quality of employment is the evidence of good citizens of a country, and it will contribute more to help other sectors. With good accommodation and facilities,
therefore
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, it would solve and help many different issues perfectly.
On the other hand
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, the
government
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 must be aware
to
Change preposition
of
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 the other sectors. With regard to the
infrastructure
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, the
government
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 should make terms to control education and health departments because, without good accommodation in both factors, it will bring unbalanced to the other aspects.
For example
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, some developing countries have a good educational system,
conversely
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, many of them are terrible in the health sector.
Thus
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, the
government
Use synonyms
 should generalize all departments in their governmental system with precise programs. In conclusion, all departments must have adequate programs in efforts to increase the quality of the systems. In my opinion, all aspects are important, but
infrastructure
Use synonyms
 should have more portion than any other elements.
Furthermore
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, I tend to agree that there must be communication between the commission and the community to improve all issues collaboratively.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure logical structure by introducing clear topic sentences that directly relate to the thesis statement, and by organizing paragraphs in a way that demonstrates a progressive argument
Coherence & Cohesion
Include a clear introduction and conclusion that succinctly encapsulate the essay's main argument and key takeaways
Coherence & Cohesion
Elaborate on main points with specific details, data, or concrete examples to support arguments and provide substance to the essay's claims
Task Achievement
Ensure a complete response by directly addressing all parts of the prompt, demonstrating an understanding of the question and its implications
Task Achievement
Develop clear and comprehensive ideas that accurately reflect an understanding of the topic and provide a thorough exploration of the concepts involved
Task Achievement
Strengthen the essay with relevant and specific examples that are directly tied to the topic being discussed, which supports claims and adds depth to your arguments
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