IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

It has been suggested that primary children should learn how to grow vegetables and keep animals. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

It has been stated that children at
primary
Correct article usage
the primary
show examples
 school level should be taught about the art of vegetable growing and taking
care
Use synonyms
 of animals. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss why the pros outweigh the cons
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
Linking Words
 notion and form a conclusion.
Firstly
Linking Words
, when the young are in primary educational facilities it is fundamental that they are taught skills that will benefit them well into their adult lives.
Such
Linking Words
 skills,
such
Linking Words
 as responsibility and time management can be demonstrated through the growth of produce. In order for
such
Linking Words
 food to survive they must be watered on a regular basis, which is the sole responsibility of the child.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, responsibility and
appropriate
Correct article usage
an appropriate
show examples
 level of
Use synonyms
care giving
Correct your spelling
caregiving
show examples
 are needed in many occupations,
thus
Linking Words
 aiding the youth in their future careers.
Secondly
Linking Words
, pets are notoriously difficult to keep and require hours of patience and endurance.
This
Linking Words
 is
due to
Linking Words
, the hours they need to be fed, washed and taken
care
Use synonyms
 of. Again, animal keeping is another way in which children learn mannerisms , like endurance and
pererverance
Correct your spelling
perseverance
, which will be used in later life.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, focusing
soley
Correct your spelling
solely
 on the
nuturing
Correct your spelling
nurturing
 of vegetation or creature upbringing can lead to the neglect of other subjects.
For instance
Linking Words
, the youth may view these activities as more fun and pay more time and attention to
such
Linking Words
 avenues rather than completing their maths homework.
Conversely
Linking Words
, they may grow bored or lose attraction
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
such
Linking Words
 hobbies in a short matter of time.
This
Linking Words
 means that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 they will end up neglecting these creative outlets and search for new attractive avenues
instead
Linking Words
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, they may hold the expectation that their parents will take
care
Use synonyms
 of their belongings
instead
Linking Words
. In conclusion, there are more advantages
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 cultivating produce and pets,
such
Linking Words
 as
perserverance
Correct your spelling
perseverance
 and ownership compared to disadvantages.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay shows some ability to organize ideas but lacks clear progression in some parts. It would benefit from better paragraph structuring and clearer transitions between points.
task achievement
The response to the task is somewhat adequate but was not effectively expanded upon with specific examples or evidence. For a higher score, ensure each point is supported with clear, relevant examples and that the response thoroughly addresses all parts of the prompt.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • primary children
  • grow vegetables
  • keep animals
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • practical skills development
  • environmental awareness
  • health benefits
  • instilling responsibility
  • learning about food production
  • time commitment
  • maintenance costs
  • safety concerns
  • curriculum constraints
  • limited resources
What to do next:
Look at other essays: