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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that children should be home schooled when they are very young while others think it is better for them to attend a kindergarten. Discuss both sides and give your opinions.

#people #children #home #kindergarten
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Some people argue that homeschooling is the best option for
children
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,
whereas
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 others consider that it would be beneficial for infants to attend
school
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. I strongly agree with the latter argument that parents should send their kids to formal schools
such
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 as kindergarten to maximize their golden ages.
To begin
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 with, it is safe to say that kids should attend
school
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 at a very young age to learn about basic life skills, and I absolutely agree with
this
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 view. One thing that we need to emphasize more, which is often lacking in the debate, is how
school
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 environments can facilitate
children
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 to interact with their peers.
For example
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, they have opportunities to socialize with their friends from various backgrounds, build their sense of empathy, and learn about different cultures. Aside from that, learning activities at schools are not only able to enhance their creativity, but
also
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 teach them about teamwork, and even hone their sense of leadership skills.
On the other hand
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, many people think that bonding time with parents becomes the most crucial part of
children
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's early stage of development.
Therefore
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, it would be unnecessary for infants to go to
school
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 as early as possible.
Moreover
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, they argue that
children
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 should spend most of their time playing outside, which might be lacking if they attend kindergarten. Many parents worry that their sons or daughters do not have sufficient time to play and explore things. In conclusion,
although
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 both views bring strong justifications, I would still argue that schools offer many things that could help
children
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 in their development stage.
Submitted by floriehendr on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Make sure to structure your essay in a clear manner. While you present your ideas, ensure there is a progression from one to the next, maintaining a logical flow.
Coherence & Cohesion
Introduction and conclusion need to be more impactful with a clearer thesis statement and a summary encapsulating the essay's main arguments respectively.
Coherence & Cohesion
Support each main point with specific examples or evidence to strengthen your argument. Your argument benefits greatly from concrete evidence, which provides clarity and authority.
Task Achievement
Fully address all parts of the task, ensuring that your position is relevant and well-supported throughout the essay. A more balanced discussion of both views could improve the response.
Task Achievement
Develop your ideas clearly and comprehensively. Aim to add depth to your arguments with detailed explanations and examples where appropriate.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more relevant, specific examples to illustrate and support your points clearly. Examples should be directly related to the arguments you're making and should enhance the persuasiveness of your position.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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