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Band 5.5

Some people think that outdoor activities are more beneficial for children’s development than playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #activities #children’s #development #computer #games
Children's development benefits more through outdoor
activities
 rather than playing computer
games
. In my opinion, I agree that outdoor
activities
 are more beneficial for the youth. In
this
 following essay, I will explain my justification in detail. First and foremost, outdoor
activities
 promote physical health and fitness.
Activities
 like sports, swimming or hiking are strongly contributing to the health of children and can help to develop stronger muscles and bones.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, engaging in physical body movements reduces the risk of obesity and establishes a healthy lifestyle.
In addition
, most of the outdoor
activities
 are team or group
activities
 and will establish social connections.
This
 will teach the kids to interact with each other and for sure, will improve troubleshooting of social differences.
As
Change preposition
For
show examples
 example, playing in a soccer team will give physical activity and
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
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building
Wrong verb form
build
show examples
 relationships and
functioning
Wrong verb form
function
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effective
Change the adjective
effectively
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 in the wider world.
On the other hand
, playing computer
games
 poses several risks
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 children's development, both mental and physical.
Firstly
, many of those
games
 are very
violant
Correct your spelling
violent
 and
engourages
Correct your spelling
encourages
encourage
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngster to adopt
this
violance
Correct your spelling
violence
 into their lifestyle.
Secondly
, there is
literaly
Correct your spelling
literally
 no physical movement involved, which can lead to health issues
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 early age.
This
 kind of gaming is often very
time consuming
Add a hyphen
time-consuming
show examples
 and
bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
show examples
 time constraints, which leads to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
irregular time management and
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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sleep deprivation. In conclusion, outdoor
activities
 improve the
childrens
Change to a genitive case
children's
show examples
 lifestyle and social skills,
as well as
supports
Correct subject-verb agreement
support
show examples
 their physical well-being.
Although
 video
games
 can have their place as a form of entertainment, but should not replace other forms of important
activities
.
Submitted by woigl on

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task achievement
Ensure that your essay remains consistently on-topic throughout your response, addressing the specific question posed. Consider adding more concrete examples to illustrate your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical flow and structure but would benefit from more varied sentence structures and cohesive devices. Make sure each paragraph smoothly transitions into the next to maintain the essay's momentum.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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