IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many governments spend too much money on weapons and military equipment. It would be better for the government to use the money spent on the military to improve its citizens' quality of life. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#governments #money #weapons #equipment #government #citizens #quality #life
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An enormous percentage of government budgets is used to buy military machines and weapons. Some argue that
this
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 expenditure on national defence should
instead
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 be put towards making the public's standard of living better.
While
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 I understand
this
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 opinion, I partially disagree with it. In
this
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 essay, I will present reasons to support my viewpoint.
To begin
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 with, it is easy to understand why
people
Use synonyms
 may argue that
governments
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 need to decrease military expenses and invest more in citizens' quality of life. The major reason for
this
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 is that the costly, state-of-the-art firearms and equipment used by soldiers seem unnecessary as wars rarely break out nowadays.
While
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governments
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 are busy equipping their armies with war machines, many average civilians are struggling to make a living.
This
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 means that
governments
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 are not fulfilling all of their responsibilities towards these citizens.
Hence
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, many
people
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 believe that governing bodies should secure more money to serve their
people
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 by cutting the national defence budget.
However
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, a
country
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's military power can provide protection and improve
people
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's quality of life. There is always the possibility that armed conflicts could break out between countries
due to
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 differing religious beliefs, territorial disputes, etc. If a militarily weak
country
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 loses to neighbouring states, the lives of
people
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 living there will be miserable, and they may be forced to flee to another
country
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.
However
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,
people
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 can safely stay in countries that possess cutting-edge jet fighters, missiles, and bombs because other nations wouldn't dare to harass
such
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 a heavily armed
country
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.
People
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 would feel that they are protected both inside and outside of their borders. In conclusion, I understand why some
people
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 want their
governments
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 to stop pouring funds into powerful armies and
instead
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 allocate more money for necessary services. Having said that, I disagree with
this
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 view because a strong
country
Use synonyms
 with great military strength can protect its
people
Use synonyms
 and improve their quality of life.
Submitted by dewifarraprasasya on

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coherence cohesion
You have organized the essay into clear paragraphs, each serving a particular purpose which is recommended, though transitions could be further improved for smoother flow. The introduction and conclusion are present but could be more impactful with a stronger thesis statement and summarization of main points.
task achievement
You have addressed the task, presenting a clear position throughout the essay. However, providing more specific examples and a broader range of arguments would strengthen the essay. Consider illustrating your points with more detailed evidence or data.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • national security
  • external threats
  • internal unrest
  • quality of life
  • public services
  • healthcare
  • education
  • infrastructure
  • development
  • well-being
  • investment
  • social programs
  • reduce poverty
  • inequality
  • social unrest
  • crime
  • harmonious society
  • prosperous society
  • defense budget
  • public spending
  • balanced approach
  • underfunded
  • opportunity cost
  • sustainable development
  • renewable energy
  • socio-economic stability
  • environmental health
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