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Band 6.5

Young people who commit serious crimes, such as a robbery or a violent attack should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #robbery #attack #adults
There is ongoing debate regarding whether youths committing crimes in severe scenarios should be penalized like grown-ups.
This
 essay will explore both perspectives that present the points of agreement and disagreement, and arrive at my own conclusion. In
this
 hustle-and-bustle society, youngsters should be treated as adults in some legal aspects. It is widely agreed that adolescents must learn to take responsibility for themselves. In
this
 way, there is a necessity to punish them for serious crimes.
Furthermore
, another significant reason is to eliminate criminal activities. What is
also
 alarming is that plenty of gangsters utilize the vulnerability of laws to induce the youths to commit, so they can get their hands dirty without consequences.
As a result
, the felony should include penalizing young people and the conducters, so those criminals cannot escape as well.
On the other hand
, there are
also
 reasons that youngsters should not be punished as adults. It is undeniable that penalizing young people who commit crimes can benefit
this
 society.
However
, adolescents earn the right to be forgiven because they are so immature that they conduct various
misbehaviors
Change the spelling
misbehaviours
show examples
. What is obvious is that teenagers are still shapable, and people should educate them from the beginning. Nowadays, society has witnessed that facilities like group houses can accommodate those youths who are misled and provide the correct guidelines to bring them back to the kind. In conclusion, it is evident that taking sanctions against youngsters can bring both positive and negative influences. From my perspective, law enforcement and the government should essentially strike a delicate balance between the weight of punishment.
Submitted by seanlin12345 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Maintain a clear and logical structure throughout the essay. Each paragraph should have a clear purpose and connect logically to others, supporting the overall argument or discussion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Introduction and conclusion need to be more effective. Make sure that the introduction clearly presents the topic and your view, and that the conclusion summarises the points made and restates your position.
Coherence & Cohesion
Provide clearer topic sentences and more developed supporting details. Ensure that each paragraph expands on a central idea and uses evidence or examples to support assertions.
Task Achievement
Ensure you respond completely to all parts of the task. This includes not only addressing the prompt but also providing a clear opinion and maintaining that position throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
Develop ideas more comprehensively. Ideas should be clear and detailed, offering depth and understanding of the topic.
Task Achievement
Use relevant and specific examples to support your points. Examples should clearly relate to the topic and provide concrete evidence that reinforces your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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