IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and large number of children play computer games. What are the negative impacts of playing computer games and what can be done to minimize the bad effects?

#people #access #computers #basis #children #computer #games #impacts #effects
In today's contemporary era, computers have received essential status and got a sprawling expansion in
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 live being, and
esspecially
Correct your spelling
especially
 for
children
 as a tool for playing videogames. Apart from some positive effects of playing
games
, there are existing potential negative feedback of
such
 a common hobby.
This
 essay will explore the negative aftermath of computer
games
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and suggest possible solutions to address the effect of
this
 trend. One of the major negative impacts arising from using computers for gaming is the unrestricted content in video
games
.
Consequently
,
this
 issue can cause
children
's access to hazardous resources via the Internet,
such
 as video
games
 with violence or any form of crime, which could produce students' aggressive behaviour with peers in a school.
For example
, in Astana , in 2016, a quite large number of
children
 had been playing in schools in dangerous game "Blue Whale", which endorsed the idea of self-violence and suicide.
As a result
 of
this
 game,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
was the root cause of some deaths among students.
However
, one possible solution to address the problem of uncontrolled content is creating rules for data
consuming
Replace the word
consumption
show examples
 for people under 18 years old.
For example
, it could be a data verification via person
ID's
Change noun form
IDs
show examples
 to download video
games
 which are marked as for adults. In fact,
this
 would prevent
children
 from playing
games
 with content which is not relevant to them and,
consequently
, decrease a potential negative impact. In
this
 case, the government should act as the validation and authority source to manage corporations
following
this
 rule.
To conclude
, the negative effects of computer
games
 can significantly lessen by restricting dangerous resources, with the government's support.
Submitted by anastasia.patalashko on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Though the essay presents a logical structure, there is room for improvement in clarity and cohesion between ideas. The introduction could more effectively paraphrase the task and the conclusion could more clearly summarize the main points. The main points are supported, but often with examples that lack detail or specificity. Consider using a wider range of connecting words and phrases to enhance coherence. The essay would benefit from a clearer progression of ideas and better paragraphing.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task and provides a response to both parts of the question. However, the ideas could be more fully developed. To improve, give more comprehensive coverage of the negative impacts of computer games and delve deeper into the solutions, offering more specific examples and explanations. The argument would benefit from clear topic sentences and more elaboration on points made. Make sure that the essay consistently maintains focus on the prompt and explores the implications more thoroughly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: