IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this messages?

#cultures #children #messages
Parents often provide their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children with
show examples
 life advice to work hard enough so that they
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 reach their dreams.
Although
, it might not always be true, giving
such
message
Correct article usage
a message
show examples
 to
children
 may have a good impact on how they will grow as a person.
This
 essay will discuss on what might be the advantages and disadvantages of
such
message
Correct article usage
a message
show examples
. I could argue that no accomplishment could be achieved without any hard
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
show examples
.
By having
Change preposition
Having
show examples
children
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
think
this
 way,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will incur motivation for them to take the path to reach that success. Imagine if they don't have
this
 kind of mentality, they will always take the easier path and just "go with the flow", failing to achieve their dreams.
Furthermore
, having the motivation might incentivize them to learn and improve on qualities that they are lacking
off
Change preposition
apply
show examples
initially
.
This
 is certainly a benefit because they will end up as a better person even if they fail to achieve their
goals
.
Also
, on
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 larger scale,
this
 way of thinking will benefit humanity cumulatively
due to
 an increase in productivity and development index.
While
this
 advice pushes youngsters to work harder, it might lead to
frustrations
Fix the agreement mistake
frustration
show examples
 for some. There are some instances where their
goals
 do not seem to get closer no matter how hard they try. It gets worse when they realize that success is not only
due to
 hardship, but
also
 inherited traits, privileges, and the likes of it.
Also
, it is possible for
children
 to become over-ambitious and fixated only on the things that matter
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
goals
, neglecting the need for them to have fun and enjoy the dynamics of growing up. Having a mindset that success comes from hardship might be beneficial for some individuals or for us as a society. But
this
 should be taken with a grain of salt. There are other factors that we can not control. Parents should
also
 teach their
children
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
how to be more realistic with their
goals
 and how to reach them strategically so that their
effort
Fix the agreement mistake
efforts
show examples
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not go to waste. And for the rest of us, making the world more inclusive and equal would be a great starting point.
Submitted by faiq.gitu on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure your introduction and conclusion are distinct and encapsulate the main points of your argument effectively. Both should clearly establish the topic and your position, as well as summarise the key points and implications in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Work on connecting your ideas more smoothly, using a range of cohesive devices beyond simple linking words. Aim for a logical flow that guides the reader naturally from one point to the next.
task achievement
Ensure each main point is expanded with clear examples or evidence. Avoid general statements without illustrating them through specific situations, statistics, or studies.
task achievement
While you covered the advantages and disadvantages, additional depth and specificity could make your arguments more compelling. Delve deeper into the manner in which these outcomes manifest in children's lives.
task achievement
Work to provide a more complete response by addressing all parts of the task. The prompt warrants a balanced discussion of both the merits and drawbacks of instilling a strong work ethic in children. Make sure to explore each aspect thoroughly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: