Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development ?
Nowadays,
majority
of Correct article usage
the majority
children
are interested in using smartphones
for most of their times
each day. In Fix the agreement mistake
time
this
essay, I will discuss the advantages and disadvantages this
development.
on the one hand, there are numerous reasons why Change preposition
of this
children
use their smartphones
more frequently, firstly
, due to
availability
of technology, especially the internet, Correct article usage
the availability
smartphones
fulfills
Change the verb form
fulfill
children
's requests such
as playing game
in comparison with the past ,when they could only Fix the agreement mistake
games
paly
with their Correct your spelling
play
siblings
Change to a genitive case
sibling's
siblings'
smartphones
offer a broader range of entertainment, secondly
phones serve as communication devise
which can lead to expending friendships by using social apps like Instagram. Replace the word
device
This
is in contrast
to the past, where friendships were primarily formed in school or other social areas.
thirdly
,thanks to cellphones
and the internet Correct your spelling
cell phones
children
can attend school remotely, allow
them to follow their courses online ,during inclement weather or periods of air pollution.
Wrong verb form
allowing
On the other hand
, children
are confronted with some problems, for
instance
they face obesity Add a comma
instance,
due to
less movement as result
Correct article usage
a result
using
cellphones, Change preposition
of using
additionally
, they may become Add an article
a depended
the depended
depended
Replace the word
dependent
person
, lacking Fix the agreement mistake
people
skills
to handle real-life problems. Correct article usage
the skills
for
example
if their bicycle breaks down, they might not know how to fix it. considering social app interaction, Add a comma
example,
children
might avoid family ceremonies and potentially become more introverted.
In conclusion, while
smartphones
play a significant role in various aspects of children
's lives, including gaming, friendships, and education, there are both advantages and disadvantages. It is essential for children
to manage their smartphone usage to avoid issues such
as obesity and dependency.Submitted by sinaazimifar on
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Logical structure
Strengthen the introductory paragraph by providing a clearer outline of the essay's main points. This helps the reader understand what to expect from your discussion.
Logical structure
Ensure each new idea or point starts with a new paragraph, and use a variety of linking words to connect ideas smoothly within and between paragraphs.
Introduction & Conclusion Present
In the conclusion, summarize your main points more effectively to clearly state your final stance on whether smartphone use by children is positive or negative.
Supported Main Points
Support your main points with more detailed examples or evidence. General statements could be strengthened by adding specific incidents or well-known facts.
Complete Response
Address the task questions systematically. While you did discuss reasons and consequences, the essay needs a more explicit analysis of whether the smartphone use is positive or negative, including more in-depth exploration of effects on children.
Clear & Comprehensive Ideas
Clarify and develop your ideas further. Some sentences seem unfinished or unclear, reducing the comprehensibility of your essay. You can achieve better clarity by fully explaining your points and their implications.
Relevant Specific Examples
Use specific examples to illustrate your points; this includes real-world instances, research findings, or hypothetical scenarios that closely align with your arguments to demonstrate relevance.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
