IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

in many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. some people say an ageing population creates problems for government. other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. to what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweight the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #government #society #outweight
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Increasing
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An increasing
The increasing
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 number of aged
community
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communities
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 has
brougth
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brought
 concerns in some nations. Some
people
Use synonyms
 find
this
Linking Words
 occasion beneficial to society, but others seem to not agree with elder society's advantageousness.
Firstly
Linking Words
, oldsters have been in various circumstances
through
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throughout
show examples
 their lives and have gained tons of
experiences
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experience
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 in each situation.
For instance
Linking Words
, they are completely aware of the
consequeces
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consequences
 of any
kinds
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kind
show examples
 of
decsions
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decision
, so they can be very helpful during tough states.
Secondly
Linking Words
, elder
people
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 are mainly wiser than youngsters. Their wisdom is
due to
Linking Words
 the troubles they have made and
successes
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the successes
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 they have achieved, so it is rare and priceless in any society. Their wisdom can help young generations prevent from falling into
same
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the same
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 trap.
However
Linking Words
, there are cons
for
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to
show examples
this
Linking Words
specefic
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specific
 statement that are worth
mentionening
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mentioning
.
Most
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The most
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 important disadvantage is that the majority of
eldesters
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elders
 are retired and don't work. So, the number of young working force is so low, which means there
are
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is
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 much more pressure on youngsters.
Due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 condition,
work-hours
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work hours
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 have increased so the needs of the government can be met.
Then
Linking Words
, because of the fact that elders are not fertile, the range of fertility is much lesser, and in order to fill
this
Linking Words
 gap,
young
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the young
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 generation has to have expanded families, which leads to financial pressure on them.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least, countries with more elderly
people
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 have the most difficulties in
specefic
Correct your spelling
specific
 situations like wars. Elder
people
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 cannot fight or even keep themselves safe, so these countries can be easily attacked and the number of killed ones might be high which costs a lot for the government. Concludingly, there are lots of pros and cons for having more elderly
people
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 than young ones,
however
Linking Words
, in my opinion, the disadvantages
outweight
Correct your spelling
outweigh
 the advantages. In order to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem government can encourage young
people
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 to have more kids and
also
Linking Words
 support them financially, so in some years the old generation
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 be replaced with
yongsters
Correct your spelling
youngsters
 who are full of liveliness.
Submitted by eyvaziniloofar on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure a clear logical structure by using linking words and clear paragraphing to guide the reader through the argument effectively. Some arguments are not clearly linked, making the overall structure seem disjointed.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but could be improved by more explicitly stating the thesis and summarizing main points more effectively.
Coherence & Cohesion
Support your main points with more detailed and developed examples. The current examples are brief and do not deeply explore the implications of the argument.
Task Achievement
Address the task fully by exploring both sides of the argument and clearly stating your position throughout the essay, not only in the conclusion. Some areas of the task were underexplored.
Task Achievement
Develop ideas more fully to show a comprehensive understanding of the topic. Some parts of the essay repeat points rather than developing them.
Task Achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to support the arguments being made. This could include statistical data, studies or hypothetical scenarios that clearly illustrate the points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Ageing population
  • Healthcare systems
  • Pension costs
  • Workforce shortage
  • Intergenerational equity
  • Cultural knowledge
  • Wisdom
  • Interdependent
  • Economic implications
  • Policy adaptations
  • Retirement age
  • Elder care
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