IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

in many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. some people say an ageing population creates problems for government. other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. to what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweight the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #government #society #outweight
Increasing
Add an article
An increasing
The increasing
show examples
 number of aged
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
show examples
 has
brougth
Correct your spelling
brought
 concerns in some nations. Some
people
 find
this
 occasion beneficial to society, but others seem to not agree with elder society's advantageousness.
Firstly
, oldsters have been in various circumstances
through
Change preposition
throughout
show examples
 their lives and have gained tons of
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
 in each situation.
For instance
, they are completely aware of the
consequeces
Correct your spelling
consequences
 of any
kinds
Fix the agreement mistake
kind
show examples
 of
decsions
Correct your spelling
decision
, so they can be very helpful during tough states.
Secondly
, elder
people
 are mainly wiser than youngsters. Their wisdom is
due to
 the troubles they have made and
successes
Correct article usage
the successes
show examples
 they have achieved, so it is rare and priceless in any society. Their wisdom can help young generations prevent from falling into
same
Add an article
the same
show examples
 trap.
However
, there are cons
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
specefic
Correct your spelling
specific
 statement that are worth
mentionening
Correct your spelling
mentioning
.
Most
Correct article usage
The most
show examples
 important disadvantage is that the majority of
eldesters
Correct your spelling
elders
 are retired and don't work. So, the number of young working force is so low, which means there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 much more pressure on youngsters.
Due to
this
 condition,
work-hours
Correct your spelling
work hours
show examples
 have increased so the needs of the government can be met.
Then
, because of the fact that elders are not fertile, the range of fertility is much lesser, and in order to fill
this
 gap,
young
Add an article
the young
show examples
 generation has to have expanded families, which leads to financial pressure on them.
Last
 but not least, countries with more elderly
people
 have the most difficulties in
specefic
Correct your spelling
specific
 situations like wars. Elder
people
 cannot fight or even keep themselves safe, so these countries can be easily attacked and the number of killed ones might be high which costs a lot for the government. Concludingly, there are lots of pros and cons for having more elderly
people
 than young ones,
however
, in my opinion, the disadvantages
outweight
Correct your spelling
outweigh
 the advantages. In order to solve
this
 problem government can encourage young
people
 to have more kids and
also
 support them financially, so in some years the old generation
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 be replaced with
yongsters
Correct your spelling
youngsters
 who are full of liveliness.
Submitted by eyvaziniloofar on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea, and that this idea is well-developed with relevant support. Your arguments would benefit from clearer structure and more detailed examples that directly relate to the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay needs to maintain a clear and logical structure throughout. Make sure that ideas flow naturally from one to another and that you make use of cohesive devices appropriately to aid understanding.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be more effective in summarizing the topic and your position. Aim to create more impactful opening and closing paragraphs that clearly set out and then recapitulate your main points and overall argument.
coherence cohesion
Be consistently formal, and pay close attention to spelling, punctuation, and grammar to ensure precision and accuracy in your writing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Ageing population
  • Healthcare systems
  • Pension costs
  • Workforce shortage
  • Intergenerational equity
  • Cultural knowledge
  • Wisdom
  • Interdependent
  • Economic implications
  • Policy adaptations
  • Retirement age
  • Elder care
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!