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Writing Samples
Band 6

in many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. some people say an ageing population creates problems for government. other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. to what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweight the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #government #society #outweight
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An increasing number of aged communities has brought concerns in some nations. Some
people
 find
this
 occasion beneficial to society, but others seem to not agree with elder society's advantageousness.
Firstly
, oldsters have been in various circumstances throughout their lives and have gained tons of experience in each situation.
For instance
, they are completely aware of the consequences of any kind of decision, so they can be very helpful during tough states.
Secondly
, elder
people
 are mainly wiser than youngsters. Their wisdom is
due to
 the troubles they have made and the successes they have achieved, so it is rare and priceless in any society. Their wisdom can help young generations prevent
from
Correct pronoun usage
them from
show examples
 falling into the same trap.
However
, there are cons to
this
 specific statement that are worth mentioning. The most important disadvantage is that the majority of elders are retired and don't work. So, the number of young working force is so low, which means there is much more pressure on youngsters.
Due to
this
 condition, work hours have increased so the needs of the government can be met.
Then
, because of the fact that elders are not fertile, the range of fertility is much
lesser
Correct word choice
less
show examples
, and in order to fill
this
 gap, the young generation has to have expanded families, which leads to financial pressure on them.
Last
 but not least, countries with more elderly
people
 have the most difficulties in specific situations like wars. Elder
people
 cannot fight or even keep themselves safe, so these countries can be easily attacked and the number of killed ones might be high which costs a lot for the government. Concludingly, there are lots of pros and cons
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 having more elderly
people
 than young ones,
however
, in my opinion, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. In order to solve
this
 problem government can encourage young
people
 to have more kids and
also
 support them financially, so in some years the old generation will be replaced with youngsters who are full of liveliness.
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Task Achievement
Your introduction presents the topic, but a clearer thesis statement would strengthen it. Aim for a concise statement that directly addresses the extent to which the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Task Achievement
Develop each paragraph with a single clear idea, followed by supporting details and examples. Ensure these examples are specific and directly relevant to the topic at hand.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay maintains a consistent progression of ideas, but there are areas where transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother. Use a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance clarity and flow.
Task Achievement
Ensure your conclusion succinctly summarizes your main points and reiterates your stance on the topic, reflecting back on the thesis stated in your introduction.
Coherence and Cohesion
Proofread your work to correct grammatical errors and ensure the correct usage of terms ('oldsters' is informal and 'elder' should be 'elderly'). Aim for formal and precise language throughout the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Ageing population
  • Healthcare systems
  • Pension costs
  • Workforce shortage
  • Intergenerational equity
  • Cultural knowledge
  • Wisdom
  • Interdependent
  • Economic implications
  • Policy adaptations
  • Retirement age
  • Elder care
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