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Band 4

Some people think that wild animals should not be kept in zoos while others say that there are good reasons for having zoos. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

#people #animals #zoos
The wild
Correct article usage
Wild
show examples
animals
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 crucial across the world. Some claim that wild creatures should not be kept in
zoos
while
 others say that there are good reasons for having
zoos
 in nations. I strongly agree with the former opinion for the following reasons. On the one hand, wild species should not be kept in
zoos
 because many
animals
 are getting diseases and dying
due to
 lack of space.
This
 means
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
wild
Correct word choice
that wild
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animals
 are
keeping
Wrong verb form
kept
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 in small cages and spaces
while
 many cannot survive longer as compared to
survive
Wrong verb form
surviving
show examples
 in
forest
Fix the agreement mistake
forests
show examples
.
For example
, tigers are affected enormously when it keeps in
zoos
 for the reason
lack
Change preposition
of lack
show examples
 of space. These
animals
 should not be kept in
zoos
.
On the other hand
, having
zoos
 in countries
for attracting
Wrong verb form
attracts
show examples
 and
boosting
Wrong verb form
boosts
show examples
 the tourism sector in order to gain more earnings from
this
. To clarify, many tourists like to see the rare
animals
 in
zoos
,
therrlefore
Correct your spelling
therefore
, they travel from far away.
For instance
, the rare species of chines panda, Indian tiger and
Africa
Replace the word
African
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 rhino are kept in
zoos
for attracting
Change preposition
to attract
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tourists unlike they cannot see it anywhere.
Hence
, having
zoos
 in nations the important reason is attracting the
traveler
Change the spelling
traveller
show examples
 to gain more earnings. Both
view
Change to a plural noun
views
show examples
 put forward valid points,
however
, I strongly believe that
zoos
 are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
not
place
Correct article usage
a place
show examples
 for wild
animals
 and they should be
independently
Change the word
independent
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 in their natural places which is
forest
Fix the agreement mistake
forests
show examples
.
The rare
Correct article usage
Rare
show examples
animals
 and creatures have to be protected by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
wild animal conservation
instead
 of
zoos
. The authorities should
lookafter
Correct your spelling
look after
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 reservation places.
To conclude
,
although
 some people think that
zoos
 can get more earnings from tourism, I feel that wild
animals
 should not be kept in
cage
Fix the agreement mistake
cages
show examples
instead
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 should
protect
Wrong verb form
be protected
show examples
 in wild animal reservation locations.
Submitted by reanudeepan on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a strong, clear structure which makes it difficult to follow at times. The introduction is present, but the thesis statement is weak, and the conclusion is simplistic. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and develop it coherently with relevant details.
task achievement
The essay makes an attempt to address the task by discussing both views and providing a personal opinion. However, the ideas need to be expressed more clearly and comprehensively. Provide a balanced discussion of both views before presenting your opinion for a more complete response.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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