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Band 5.5

Today, many people do not realise the importance of the natural world. Why is this? How can people be encouraged to learn more about how important the natural world is?

#people #realise #importance #world
Nowadays,
people
 are unaware of the significance of the natural beauty of our planet.
This
 may be
due to
 the advancement of social media. In
this
 essay, I will discuss various reasons as to why
this
 has occurred and provide techniques to enhance the relevance of the outside world.
Firstly
, technology has advanced at an incredibly rapid pace and social media has taken the world by storm.
People
 do not take the time to absorb their surroundings, rather preferring to stare at a screen for hours on end.
Furthermore
,
people
 are influenced by what they see online and it has now become a trend to visit
instagrammable
Change the capitalization
Instagrammable
show examples
 places, not the natural wonders of the world.
Secondly
, greenery and woodlands often have no direct impact on
people
’s lives. Even if deforestation is occurring, many
people
 will remain blissfully unphased as
this
 problem does not
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 them. The harm that comes to our ecosystems, habitats and wildlife does not possess consequences for the modern era,
therefore
 societies will often turn a blind eye. The government has a large role to play in the encouragement of getting
people
 more interested in our planet.
For instance
,
curriculum’s
Change noun form
curriculum
show examples
 in educational facilities could promote the importance of various animals, like the honey bee. The honey bee not only sustains the lives of flowers but
also
 provides a delicious substance for mankind to enjoy.
Additionally
, regular field trips can be taken to outdoor places to boost the understanding of why our globe is so important and to visualise the diverse systems at play.
Moreover
, parents should actively encourage the youth to play outdoors and become one with nature. In
this
 way, the young will develop a love and nurturing behaviour towards our outside home. In conclusion, many do not see the beauty of our planet because of technological advances, but
this
 can be changed with the
governments
Change noun form
government's
show examples
 help.
Submitted by abeera2012 on

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Introduction & Conclusion
Ensure that your introduction and conclusion are explicitly clear, as they are key components of a well-structured essay. Your conclusion was underdeveloped and needs to explicitly reflect summaries of your main points and your final standpoint.
Paragraph Structure
Organize your ideas in clear, logical paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a central idea that is expanded upon with supporting information. You need to ensure that main ideas are well-supported and elaborated throughout your paragraph structure to enhance cohesion.
Task Coverage
For a higher score, your essay should thoroughly respond to all parts of the task. Be certain to address all aspects of the question directly, developing each point with relevant examples and explanations. Provide equally detailed discussions for every part of the prompt to showcase a complete understanding.
Linking & Cohesion
Develop coherence by using a range of linking devices and paragraphing skills. Enhance cohesion by critically reviewing your use of linking words to ensure they accurately connect ideas within and between paragraphs, thus guiding the reader through your argument more effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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