IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

ㄑSome people think that governments should ban dangerous sports, while others think people should have freedom to do any sports or activity. Discuss both views and give your own opinion You should write at least 250 words.

#ㄑsome #people #governments #ban #sports #freedom #activity
If governments should
banned
Wrong verb form
ban
show examples
 high-risk
sports
become
Wrong verb form
from becoming
show examples
 a hot issue around the world, whilst
such
 activities could endanger the safety of
participents
Correct your spelling
participants
, and
increas
Correct your spelling
increase
 the cost
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 society
sources
, I personally agree that
people
 should have
freedom
Add an article
the freedom
show examples
 to decide
wether
Correct your spelling
whether
show examples
 they want to be part of
such
 events. On the one hand, extreme
sports
,
such
 as sky-diving, car racing,
as well as
 scuba diving, could cause
irreversable
Correct your spelling
irreversible
 damage
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 participants, including
paralyze
Wrong verb form
paralysing
show examples
 and permanent physical disabilities,
therefore
, opponents believe that it is the obligation of governments to restrict
such
 events. On top of that, the injuries and fatality cases caused by extreme
sports
 will cost a lot of healthcare
sources
,
along with
 governmental
mannpower
Correct your spelling
manpower
, which could be used better
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 other emergency situations. 
For instance
, many
people
 died or had serious
injures
Replace the word
injuries
show examples
 from free diving, which cost lots of manpower to rescue
victoms
Correct your spelling
victims
 in the ocean
alolng
Correct your spelling
along
 with all the medical
sources
 that
used
Add a missing verb
are used
show examples
 to save them, which is considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a waste of society
sources
Correct your spelling
resources
show examples
.
On the other hand
, in my perspective, it is the right of adults to conduct risky behaviour by knowing the potential hazards
due to
 various advantages. First of all, doing dangerous
sports
 could help
people
 release stress that accumulated from their daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, it is good for their mental health and
deter
Correct subject-verb agreement
deters
show examples
 them from being
depression
Replace the word
depressed
show examples
 and pessimistic.
Secondly
,
such
 events are attractive to many
audience
Change to a plural noun
audiences
show examples
 in the world, it could benefit the host nations, in the aspects of
economic
Replace the word
economics
show examples
 and visibility in the world. Take F1 as an example, it is an internationally well-known car
racing
Replace the word
race
show examples
, attracting
thousand
Fix the agreement mistake
thousands
show examples
 and millions
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
participate
Fix the infinitive
to participate
show examples
,
bring
Wrong verb form
bringing
show examples
 a great amount of commercial benefit to Singapore during the seasons,
moreover
, making more overseas
people
 experience local culture. To summarise, it is inevitable that
danderous
Correct your spelling
dangerous
sports
 have many potential
risk
Change to a plural noun
risks
show examples
 that could damage one's health,
however
, I agree that authorities should not ban
such
sports
with
Change preposition
without
show examples
 legal regulation for
positive
Correct article usage
the positive
show examples
 effects it derives.
Submitted by unapoya0916 on

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task achievement
The essay presents an opinion but lacks appropriate development of ideas and examples. There are multiple grammar and spelling errors which make the arguements unclear. Build your paragraphs around main ideas with examples that are accurately explained.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is weak. The introduction and the conclusion are present but not fully effective. Consider using a variety of linking words and phrases to ensure better flow between sentences and paragraphs. Check and correct the errors in spelling and word choice.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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