IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

These days, the increasing number of overweight children in cities is a huge problem. What are its causes and its effects on the country?

Nowadays, the majority
children
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of children
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 living in urban areas are experiencing the issue of being overweight. Plethora of causes and effects behind being unhealthy will be discussed in the following paragraphs.
Along with
Linking Words
 other diseases, obesity has steadily increased at a faster rate and the primary reason for increased weight is today’s lifestyle, in developed cities where everything can be found next door has made it easier for children to get exposed to technology and have easy access to utilize them. The intense usage of gadgets like laptops and mobile phones has limited movement both mentally and physically. Screen time has increased up to 50%, which indicates addiction and less physical activity.
According to
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 the recent health update by the experts,
this
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 trend will adversely affect the
overall
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 growth of a child and will hinder performing significant tasks like problem-solving, learning and analysing. The second major reason is the wrong
food
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 habits.
Food
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 plays an integral part in the human body, and if one opts for a poor-quality diet, it is certain that numerous health problems will prevail. To exemplify, all kinds of junk foods, like burgers, rolls and pizza are all cooked with low-quality oil so these are hazardous and
such
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food
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 contains a high level of fat, calories and excessive sodium, which can
further
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 lead to undermining health by chances of getting a heart attack, increased blood pressure, including external struggles like procrastination and showing signs of disinterest in doing any activity.
Besides
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, even if it’s a brief task, one would easily get tired
due to
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 low stamina.
To conclude
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, the issue of being overweight is considerably found in many metropolitan regions. The reason behind
this
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 is
poor
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a poor
the poor
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 lifestyle which involves excessive usage of technology and intaking unhealthy
food
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. Sadly,
this
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 fashion is becoming a usual norm leaving the adolescent with negative effects both physically and mentally and
further
Linking Words
 weakening their abilities.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a variety of complex structures and connectors which would enhance the coherence of the text. Try to vary your sentence structures and use a range of linking words to show the relationship between ideas.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear, but the main body paragraphs need a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details and examples. Make sure each paragraph has one main idea that is expanded upon with specifics.
coherence cohesion
You should aim to develop your main points more comprehensively. Each point needs to be supported by specific examples or evidence, and these examples should be related directly to the question task for maximum relevance.
task achievement
You have addressed the task only partially. Your response must cover all parts of the prompt evenly, including the causes and effects of overweight children in cities, and the implications for the country. Address these points systematically and in equal measure.
task achievement
Your ideas are somewhat clear, but they are not explained comprehensively. To improve, provide more specific detail and explanation for each point you make. Clear and comprehensive development of ideas is essential for a higher band score.
task achievement
Your essay could benefit from the inclusion of relevant, specific examples to support your points. This includes statistics, research findings, or hypothetical scenarios that directly relate to the prompt.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • sedentary
  • urban lifestyle
  • processed foods
  • recreational facilities
  • social stigma
  • life expectancy
  • public health system
  • psychological effects
  • academic performance
  • workforce productivity
  • healthcare costs
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