IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Today, the majority of children are raised by their grandparents due to the fact that their parents are busy working. To what extend do you think it effects the while family?

#majority #children #grandparents #fact #parents #effects
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It is true ,Nowadays many children are raised by their
grandparents
 because their mother and father both are busy with their work. Definitely,
this
 trend affects the entire family in many ways. In
this
 essay
further
 I will explain how it is affecting with some examples from surveys and journals.
To Begin
 with , In
this
 modern society, both
parents
 are working to earn more money so that they can give a happy life to their family. Everyone needs money for numerous reasons
such
 as buying a house and car ,
child
 education and maintaining their status in society . As I mentioned earlier ,
for
this
 reason , kids are taken care of by their
grandparents
.
For example
 ,In Japan, 80% of
child
 are raised by their
grandparents
 and they all lead a happy life because they have enough money to spend on their wishes.
Secondly
 , Actually, a toddler needs
parents
 at a growing age because a mother can take care of her
child
 nobody can do that .Sometimes
grandparents
 can not give proper attention to their grandchild as they require because of their old age and health.
For Instance
 , the Busy schedule of
parents
 can spoil the relationship between the
child
 and
parents
 as well because of less interaction
due to
 work .
To Conclude
 , there is no doubt
grandparents
 always teach us good values and morals but sometimes
due to
 their health and age a
child
 can not get proper care and
as a result
, a
child
 can be weak whether physically or mentally.
Child
 health can affect the entire family . Here I think
parents
 should balance their work and personal lives.
Submitted by preetiaug25 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines the main points you will discuss in the essay. This helps the reader understand the direction of your argument from the beginning.
task achievement
Develop your main points more thoroughly. For example, you wrote about financial reasons why parents work, but you could include more information on how this impacts their children.
coherence cohesion
Use transition words effectively to make your essay more cohesive. For instance, phrases like 'In addition to', 'Moreover', and 'On the other hand' can help connect ideas better.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetition and ensure that every paragraph introduces a new point or reinforces a previous point in a different way.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your discussion well.
relevant specific examples
You have included relevant examples to support your main points, which adds depth to your discussion.
complete response
Your essay addresses the prompt adequately by discussing how grandparents raising children can affect the entire family.
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