IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Today, the majority of children are raised by their grandparents due to the fact that their parents are busy working. To what extend do you think it effects the while family?

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It is true ,Nowadays many children are raised by their
grandparents
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 because their mother and father both are busy with their work. Definitely,
this
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 trend affects the entire family in many ways. In
this
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 essay
further
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 I will explain how it is affecting with some examples from surveys and journals.
To Begin
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 with , In
this
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 modern society, both
parents
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 are working to earn more money so that they can give a happy life to their family. Everyone needs money for numerous reasons
such
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 as buying a house and car ,
child
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 education and maintaining their status in society . As I mentioned earlier ,
for
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this
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 reason , kids are taken care of by their
grandparents
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.
For example
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 ,In Japan, 80% of
child
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 are raised by their
grandparents
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 and they all lead a happy life because they have enough money to spend on their wishes.
Secondly
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 , Actually, a toddler needs
parents
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 at a growing age because a mother can take care of her
child
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 nobody can do that .Sometimes
grandparents
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 can not give proper attention to their grandchild as they require because of their old age and health.
For Instance
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 , the Busy schedule of
parents
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 can spoil the relationship between the
child
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 and
parents
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 as well because of less interaction
due to
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 work .
To Conclude
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 , there is no doubt
grandparents
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 always teach us good values and morals but sometimes
due to
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 their health and age a
child
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 can not get proper care and
as a result
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, a
child
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 can be weak whether physically or mentally.
Child
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 health can affect the entire family . Here I think
parents
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 should balance their work and personal lives.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines the main points you will discuss in the essay. This helps the reader understand the direction of your argument from the beginning.
task achievement
Develop your main points more thoroughly. For example, you wrote about financial reasons why parents work, but you could include more information on how this impacts their children.
coherence cohesion
Use transition words effectively to make your essay more cohesive. For instance, phrases like 'In addition to', 'Moreover', and 'On the other hand' can help connect ideas better.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetition and ensure that every paragraph introduces a new point or reinforces a previous point in a different way.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your discussion well.
relevant specific examples
You have included relevant examples to support your main points, which adds depth to your discussion.
complete response
Your essay addresses the prompt adequately by discussing how grandparents raising children can affect the entire family.
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