IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

in spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. why is this the case? what can be done about this problem?

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Although
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 there have been so many advancements in agricultural areas, thousands of
people
Use synonyms
 still suffer from hunger and not having a nutritional diet. There might be several reasons for
this
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 occasion and
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also
Rephrase
apply
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there must be some solutions to solve
this
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 problem because if the advancements are not going to improve human beings’ life standards,
then
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 what are they for? In the case of inefficiency of agricultural developments, we can mention some statements which might show why
this
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 is the case.
Firstly
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, the improvements in agriculture systems are exclusive to some specific nations. Those
countries
Use synonyms
 might not tend to share their knowledge in
this
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 field with any other
countries
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who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 are in need of
food
Use synonyms
.
For instance
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,
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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 has gained lots of knowledge in agrimony in
past
Correct article usage
the past
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 few decades but didn’t share
this
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 with African
countries
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 in spite of African
countries
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’
request
Fix the agreement mistake
requests
show examples
 for it.
Secondly
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, the distribution of
goods
Use synonyms
 is not balanced in most
countries
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. Even though
rational
Correct article usage
a rational
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 amount of
goods
Use synonyms
 is produced in some nations,
due to
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lack
Correct article usage
the lack
show examples
 of management skills of governors,
people
Use synonyms
 cannot get the benefits of these products. To illustrate
this
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 statement, in Iran, some citizens get the best-quality
food
Use synonyms
,
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however
Add a comma
however,
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 some others cannot even get the
goods
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with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 lower quality,
although
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 there are tons of that specific
food
Use synonyms
 stocked in huge refrigerators.
Last
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 but not least, some farmers don’t tend to update their agricultural methods which leads to lesser amounts of final product. They prefer to stick to traditional approaches like most of the farmers in East Azarbaijan's villages. So, the less
goods
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 are produced, the more hunger spreads. But what can be done in order to overcome
this
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 issue?
First,
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farmers should be acknowledged
about
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the improvements in agriculture and the way they can enhance their lives, so they might probably start investing in these new methods.
Then
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,
people
Use synonyms
 can run campaigns to ask the government to manage the distribution of
goods
Use synonyms
 in varied areas of the country.
This
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 way all the citizens of the country get
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 fair amount of
food
Use synonyms
 no matter where they live.
And
Correct word choice
Finally
show examples
finally
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, we can try to change the unfortunate globalized mindset of thinking only about ourselves and our own benefits and be more thoughtful of other
people
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 even if they live in other nations. Advanced
countries
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 might consider sharing not only the knowledge but
also
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 the final products with underprivileged
countries
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, some lack of
considerations
Fix the agreement mistake
consideration
show examples
 has led to a lack of
food
Use synonyms
 available for so many
people
Use synonyms
 worldwide,
however
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, a lot can be done to solve
this
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 difficulty in order to prepare a better life for everyone in the world by using the benefits of all the achievements in agriculture in past few years.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear and logical structure. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea followed by supporting details and examples. Make sure the connection between the main points is explicit and your essay flows smoothly.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, which is good. However, work on making your introduction more impactful by clearly stating your thesis and outlining the structure of the essay. The conclusion should succinctly summarize the main points and restate the thesis effectively to leave a lasting impression on the reader.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. Try to include data, studies, or case studies to illustrate your points and make your essay more convincing. Avoid general statements and strive to provide concrete evidence.
Task Achievement
You have addressed the task partially but need to fully develop your response. Be sure that you address all parts of the prompt. Discuss both why many people go hungry despite advances in agriculture and provide a more balanced discussion on potential solutions.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • inequality
  • distribution
  • access to resources
  • climate change
  • natural disasters
  • political factors
  • economic factors
  • agricultural practices
  • infrastructure
  • transportation
  • population growth
  • education
  • knowledge
  • food waste
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