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Band 4

Fewer and fewer people walk on a daily basis. What are the reasons and how to encourage them to spend their time walking?

#people #basis #time
In general,
Sport
 is very important for human health but there are less of
people
 who spend
time
 doing
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 or walking every day for some reason.In
this
 essay, I will discuss and I will suggest solutions to encouraging
people
 to do
Sports
 .
Today's
Change noun form
Today
show examples
 many
people
suffering
Wrong verb form
suffer
show examples
from a lot of diseases because they didn't have any plan for doing
Sports
 ,and they see it as hard work ,the first cause is doing
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
time
 and patience and
people
 get used to life fast ,so,
this
 one reason ,
Moreover
, the less of
sports
 clubs that maks
people
 encourage,another thing are the variance of value of
Sport
 and the benefits of it for boday and mantel,
Additionally
, many individuals work so, they don't have
time
 to walk or play
Sport
 ,
for example
, many
people
 still work tonight.
On the other hand
 ,there are some solutions that can be taken ,first , the government should build many clubs for
Sport
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 in places crowded
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
people
 ,
Although
,they must share with schools the publications who
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
sports
 beneficial,
Also
,
Sports
 competitions some
time
 can get good results in
this
 section.In Hance, competition of race many persons like it and can make help to start to known ing more about another
Sport
.
To sum up
, walking every day for half an hour can keep a person in a good mood
additionally
its
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 helps to feel more healthy,How about if all
people
 do it ? or do more activities, that will create strong human beings and will see
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good results in our society .
Submitted by Loody on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear organizational structure which makes it difficult to follow. Consider using clear paragraphs to separate your introduction, body, and conclusion. Introduction and conclusion should explicitly address the question and summarize the main points. This helps with coherence.
task achievement
Your essay attempts to address the task with generalized points but fails to fully develop them with specific examples and detailed explanations. Include more developed ideas and examples directly related to the subject to deepen the analysis. This affects both task response and coherence.
coherence cohesion
You need to focus on maintaining a clear logical flow of ideas. Use cohesive devices such as firstly, moreover, additionally, on the other hand, and to sum up, appropriately to connect sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Support each point with specific examples and explanations to ensure your essay provides a complete response to the question. Avoid deviating into unrelated topics and ensure that the relevance of each point is directly apparent to the question.
task achievement
Be sure to address all parts of the prompt. The question asks for reasons and solutions specifically regarding walking, not sports in general. Be sure to tailor your discussion and examples to the particularities of walking as a form of exercise.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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