IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Men should go to work and women place is in the home. To what extend do you agree or disagree

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In
this
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 contemporary
world
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, where both men and
women
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 are working, it's
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
a controversial topic that only the male
gender
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 is allowed to go outside to do a job, and feminine should stay at home
instead
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 of stepping out for the job
world
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. I completely disagree with the former belief and strongly show my acceptance that
women
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 should come outside the home and join the cooperative globe in my subsequent paragraphs. The primitive reason is
gender
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 equality. If only men are supposed to earn bread and butter for their families, societies will perceive the idea that males are more important than females in
this
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world
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. A few decades before,
gender
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-based discrimination has been seen clearly. And one of the reasons was only the masculine had the power to do
work
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. Even, in many developing and under-developed nations
such
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 a scenario has been noted to date. So, if we again follow the same criteria that a particular
gender
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 can earn money,
then
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 we again indulge ourselves in the social evil of
gender
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 inequality, and will face problems
such
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 as female foeticide, dowry, raps etcetera.
Secondly
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, girls
also
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 have the same capabilities as boys to do quality and efficient
work
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,
then
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 there should be no valid reason to stop them from growing. In today's
world
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, we have seen especially in
developed
Change the form of the verb
developing
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 countries where girls are equally performing their job duties in each and every field like the Army, railways, navy and so on.
Last
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 but not least, in
this
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 inflated era, it is very important that both should do
work
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, so that they can join hands in meeting their family requirements, resulting in leading a prosperous life. In a nutshell, I would suggest that stopping
women
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 from outside
work
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 is a sign of narrow-minded societies which will always be a hurdle in the comprehensive development of societies and economies. Thereby, governments and non-governmental organisations come forward and educate communities about
women
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's role in society, so that communities accept them as the working
women
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's personalities.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that subsequent sentences expand on that idea with explanations or examples. Aim for a more logical flow of ideas by using cohesive devices effectively to highlight the connection between points.
task achievement
When addressing the task, make sure you respond fully to all parts of the prompt. Develop each point thoroughly to ensure a clear and comprehensive presentation of your ideas. Make sure your opinion is clear throughout your essay and especially in your conclusion.
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